To Kill A Riddle with Style
by Senorita Sassybuns
Summary: Slightly AU, but ultimately my twist on the seventh book. FIrst story so, please, not too harsh. It's a revision from an old story thrown in a closet for years. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Battleship Butterfly**

**AN: If I owned Harry Potter it would be my name y'all would have to disclaim to. But I don't so that magical disclaiming name is JKR, and she owns it with pride . . . harry potter that is.**

Harry Potter sat in his bedroom looking out at Privet Drive. The seventeen-year-old had become so bored waiting for Ron and Hermione to once again rescue him and take him away, this time, for good, that he had begun to talk to a ladybug that he discovered sitting on the windowsill. Unfortunately, after two hours the ladybug died and now Harry was speaking to, well, the dead.

It had only been two months since the death of Dumbledore. Although sad, Harry figured that since Dumbledore always believed that death was the next great adventure, he was at peace. It still didn't change the fact that Harry had to now find the Horcruxes all by himself without the guidance of his mentor.

"So, no I'm on my own . . . technically. I really have been taking care of myself since I could walk. The Dursleys are complete brutes," Harry told the ladybug. "It's a good thing I'm leaving to stay with my godfather, Sirius before Dudley leaves for college. I'm not sure what medieval torture devices they would use on me."

At that moment, Ron and Hermione apparated into Harry's room. They stared at their friend with concerned looks. They weren't sure who exactly he was talking to.

"Oi, mate, who are you talking to?" Ron asked.

Harry whirled around. Upon seeing his best friends, a broad grin graced his handsome features. Thanks to quidditch, intense yard labor inflicted upon by Petunia, and receiving a blessing from the beautiful side of the gene pool, Harry was ready to embrace his inner model with a quick show off of Blue Steel.

"Hey! Wow, the time . . . uh, yeah this is a ladybug," Harry said looking down at the bug whose legs were curled to its body.

"Harry, that bug looks dead," Hermione said sensitively.

"Yeah, I guess it died while I was talking to it."

"Why were you talking to a–," Ron trailed off when his eyes spied a familiar, colorful box of candy. "Jelly Beans!"

"Where?" Harry, Ron, and Hermione all dove for the box. Upon touching the box of beans, the three felt a tug behind their navel and realized that there were no beans in the box. It was a portkey.

The room was still and empty when Petunia poked her head in to make sure her nephew was still bored. She smelled fun and had to make sure it was just her. When she saw that there wasn't a sign of life on the room, she figured that Harry had taken off with his freak show again. Even the ruddy bird was gone!

"Vernon, he's gone!" Petunia called to her husband. She closed the door and practically danced down the stairs.

Meanwhile, somewhere off the coast of South America, Harry Ron and Hermione landed with a hard thud. They untangled themselves and stood up to look around their surroundings.

"Where are we?" Ron asked.

"It looks like we're off the coast of Venezuela," Harry mused.

Hermione looked over at him, "Are you serious? How do you know that?"

Harry rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly, "I studied maps and things like that when I was bored during the summer in the past. I guess I learned something while doing nothing."

"Well, we need to find a city of some sort so we can contact the order," Hermione declared. Ron and Harry, nodded and started walking, hopefully in the direction of civilization.

They had only gone a little way before the hairs on the back of Harry's neck stood on end.

"Hey guys, I have a bad feeling about where we're going," he said.

"I have the same feeling too," Hermione agreed.

"I'm hungry," Ron said.

"You're always hungry, Ron," Hermione rolled her eyes. "I think we should turn back."

"I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just yet," Harry said wistfully. He was obviously deep in thought. "I think we should keep going, but at the sign of trouble, split faster than you can say ."

Judging by the tone Harry used, Hermione figured there was no changing his mind and just shrugged her shoulders and fell silent. She occasionally piped up about her growing sense of danger, and yet, she was out ruled two to one.

It wasn't until the three rounded a corner, coming face to face with a group of Death Eaters did Harry and Ron think that they should listen to Hermione's instincts more.

"Ha! You fell into our trap," one of the Death Eaters said. He sounded like Macnair.

"Supercali-supercalifr-supoer," Hermione stammered. "Why haven't we left yet!"

"Because you didn't say ," Harry explained.

"Wait, what did you say? Supercalf something or another?" Macnair asked confused.

"It wasn't supercalf, Macnair," a Death Eater sounding like Bellatrix scolded. "He specifically said 'super cow, a fragile biscuit, expert alley, donuts."

"What the Hell's an expert alley?" a voice that was none other than Severus Snape.

The Death Eaters all began to argue about the long, complex, and, for anyone who knew their Mary Poppins, childish word. Seeing their opportunity to run away, the trio back tracked to where the portkey took them and rode the jelly bean box back to Number Four Privet Drive.

"Hm, I'll have to remember that little word the next time I face Voldemort. He might be thrown off by it as well," Harry said happily.

"Yeah, that was brilliant, mate," Ron agreed. "Now can we get going? I'm really hungry."

"Ron, when _aren't_ you hungry?" Hermione shot him a look.

Ron smiled and gathered Hedwig's cage. Harry was already packed. He was so excited about leaving, he packed two days early. Harry walked around his room for six years to make sure he had absolutely everything he needed, even though he'd done that several times already. He wanted to make sure that when he did leave, there was nothing to make him go back.

"I have everything,¡ VAMANOS!" Harry exclaimed, exercising the little Spanish he picked up while watching telanovelas.

Once more, and for the last time (hopefully) the three left Privet Drive, landing on the step of Number 12 Grimuald Place. They entered the house that was filled to the brim with Order activity.

"There must have been a meeting recently," Ron commented.

"Yeah," Harry agreed. He half heard what Ron had said for the corner of his eye caught a flash of a fiery wave. Said wave could only belong to one person: Ginny. Following the direction of the sighting of his girlfriend, Harry drifted up the stairs. He heard his friends say something to them, but he didn't heed it. His mind was elsewhere.

He slowly poked the door open and slipped inside the drawing room. Ginny was sitting on one of the chairs with a drawing pad in her hand. She had recently taken up painting and drawing. Much to everyone's surprise, she was quite good.

"I go through guys like money flying out the hand. They try to change me but they realize they can't," Ginny sang to herself. However good at art she may be, singing wasn't her thing, but Harry decided to play up whatever it was she was singing.

"So, what you're saying is that I'm just the flavor of the week?"

Ginny looked up, her cheeks flashed red with embarrassment, "no, you're not! It's just this song I heard. I don't even like it! I just heard it and it got stuck in my head! I swear."

"I was just messing with you, Gin," Harry laughed. He kissed her lightly. "What have you been up to?"

"The same thing I've been doing all summer," Ginny replied.

"Which would be?" Harry wrapped his arms around the ginger.

"Help Fluer keep her hormones in check and draw."

"That sounds fun. I've been stuck in a room all summer, wondering when my Prince Charming was going to come and take me away on his noble steed," Harry said dreamily. For some reason, the image of a boy with blonde hair and gray eyes on a majestic white stallion popped into his head.

"I will follow you to the midst of Avalon," Harry told the image.

"What?" Ginny asked, who had been curling up under Harry's arm.

"Nevermind," Harry said, shaking the image out of his head. He had been left alone for too long. "¡Vamanos a la planta baja!"

"You've been watching those muggle things in Spanish again haven't you?" Ginny sighed.

Harry merely smiled and lead her downstairs. When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Harry tripped over his trunk. He had forgotten that he had abandoned it there in his pursuit of Ginny. He rolled over onto his back, groaning. "Stupid trunk."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't leave it in the hall," Sirius said, coming to greet his godson.

"You sound like my mother...I think," Harry said. A bitter silence fell. During that silence, Harry thought about what it was like to have parents, as he often did. Sirius thought about how much he wanted to avenge his best friend by wringing every ounce of life out of Peter Pettigrew. Ginny stared at Harry, wondering if he thought that they were practically siblings since her mum had pretty much adopted him.

"It's not incest!" she cried and ran out of the room.

"What's on her mind?" Harry asked himself, watching her run away. He noted that she must have been running over the summer. She looked very fit.

"Here, let me help you," Sirius picked Harry off of the floor. Harry dusted himself off and, with a flick of the wrist, sent his trunk up to the room he shared with Ron.

"All this falling has made me hungry," Harry said to no one in particular. Following Sirius, the two went into the kitchen where Mrs. Weasley was making lunch.

"What would you like Harry dear?" She asked after crushing all his bones in a hug.

"A sandwich would be nice, Mrs. Weasley," Harry gasped. She beamed at him and busied herself with making Harry's request.

Halfway through eating his sandwich, Harry, by the missing warm and fuzzy feeling deep within his soul, noticed that his sandwich was missing cholesterol and Ginny was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Ginny?"

"I think she ran outside," Ron said, taking a sip of lemonade.

Harry decided to wander outside to see what Ginny was up to. He hoped he wasn't coming off as clingy. Harry knew that he was going off to find Horcruxes and wanted to spend as much time with Ginny as possible.

He found her by a small pond, playing with toy boats. He wasn't sure where the boats came from, but a brilliant idea just popped into his head. Taking a bite of lunch for confidence, Harry walked up behind the girl.

"Hey Ginny, want to play Battleship?"

Ginny jumped, landing in the water. "Harry sodding Potter! You got my hair wet! And everything else for that matter."

"I'm sorry, but not really. I wanted to play battleship and the only way to put you in a competitive mood was to piss you off," Harry explained.

"Battleship huh?" Ginny mused, feeling, much to her dislike at Harry being right, her competitive side take over. "How do you play?"

Harry explained the rules briefly and the best he could without confusing Ginny. After she had become impatient with Harry explaining rules, the two set up the toy boats on opposite sides of the pond. Harry had green boats, respectively, and Ginny had scarlet ones. Using their wands (since the Ministry oddly didn't care if underage witches and wizards used magic outside school), they started blasting each other's boats out of the water.

After Harry lost his baby ship, he decided to up the competition. "Hey, Ginny, what's say we make this more interesting with a bet?"

"The usual?"

"Of course, would I bet anything else?"

"You're on."

Harry smirked to himself. "This is going to be precious! I will defiantly use this as possible blackmail," Harry muttered to himself as he made a move on his secret weapon: a yellow submarine that ran on the power of being yellow. He figured it was his last chance at winning since he only had one ship left. His excitement and anticipation grew as he saw the sub move toward Ginny's two ships that she had left. Just as he saw the cannon on the sub getting ready to fire, there was a splash of pink the flooded the water surrounding the sub.

At first, Harry thought it was blood, but when the water cleared up, he saw his submarine meeting the dark lagoon of Davy Jones' Locker, stalk pink.

"You killed my yellow sub!" Harry exclaimed, baffled as to how his submarine could fail him. He needed to make that ship not run on yellow power. It should run of red power. Red is a harder color to change than yellow.

"That's not all I'm killing," Ginny said evilly. Harry, horrified, saw Ginny's big boatie launch three torpedoes at his big boatie. The boat sunk down not far behind the submarine.

Hanging his head in defeat as well as shame for losing to a newbie, Harry made his way back across the pond. His fellow teammates on the "I heart Battleship" club he joined over the summer, once again, due to lack of human contact by his family, would be disappointed in him.

"Guess you lost," Ginny mocked, feigning sympathy. She held something behind her back. Harry only knew too well what it was. "Looks like you lost, _sweetie_," sarcasm dripped from every syllable.

Harry reached behind Ginny's back and grabbed the basket that he knew was there, waiting for him. It was bright and stood for everything against manhood. The usual. He had to stop betting the usual.

"Don't forget your wings, butterfly!" Ginny was now in a giggling mess as she tried to strap on the glittery contraptions of death. "Get hopping."

"We need a new usual to bet on," Harry said before going back inside and becoming the laughing stock of the house. Taking a deep breath, Harry closed this eyes and began to skip.

"I'm a pretty butterfly," Harry chanted as he threw the flower petals that were in the basket, into the air.

"C'mon Harry, put some life into it," Ginny squealed with delight. Harry ignored her. Their bet may have been that the loser has to skip around the house saying "I'm a pretty butterfly" while throwing flower petals, but it was not agreed that there had to be soul in the chanting.

Harry's reign of beautifying the house was cut short by Sirius, who stopped Harry on the third floor landing. He couldn't stand to see his best friend's son reduce his pride for a girl. Not even James went to such lengths to get Lily. In Sirius' opinion, that was what made Lily cave.

"Harry, what are you doing?"

"I lost a bet with Ginny and we bet the usual," Harry muttered with lack of dignity.

"THIS IS THE USUAL?" Sirius exclaimed, pointing out the glitter wings attached to Harry's back. Harry smiled guiltily. Sirius looked up at the ceiling, "why James? Why does he have to be like you in almost every aspect?"

In a rush of excitement at the mention of his father, Harry looked up at the ceiling, "hi dad!"

Sirius dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his temples. Harry, who was still looking up at the ceiling, remembered that he wouldn't see his father until he fetched the resurrection stone out of the ring that demolished Dumledore's hand.

"Harry," Sirius finally said after a few minutes of awkward silence.

"Yes?"

"Go take off that outfit."

Harry, without further invitation, ran up to his and Ron's room to change.

**AN: please review! oh, and if you thought chapter one was boring stick around for chapter 2 when we are introduced to Kevin. ****Oh and try to guess the answer to this riddle, which will be showing up periodically throughout the story: what is small and sits dangerously in a tree? The answer will be revealed at the end of the story (chapter 15). Happy guessing!**


	2. Chapter 2

1Ch. 2 An Unexpected Admirer

**AN: Still don't own any rights to Harry Potter. They go to JKR...and Warner Bros.**

Harry awoke the next morning to the wafting scent of breakfast. From the smell of it, Harry managed to deduce that there were pancakes, or maybe French toast for the most important meal of the day. The hungry teen rolled over in bed to tell Ron what was on the menu, only to find the bed empty.

"He must already be downstairs," Harry murmured to himself. Gathering his clothes for a shower, Harry headed over to the bathroom. He noticed the door was closed, but knew that he and Ron were the only ones to use the bathroom. Since Ron was downstairs, the loo must've been empty.

Harry opened the door only to be met with a loud scream. Ginny was taking a bath.

"Sorry!" Harry cried before retreating. He ran back to his room and stayed there until he heard the door to the bathroom open and Ginny's angry footsteps disappear. She was muttering something under her breath. Harry, with his ear pressed to the door, felt his face burn red with embarrassment. He was trying to get the image of Ginny sitting in the tub amongst all the bubbles out of his head, but it wasn't going peacefully.

Harry was about to emerge from his safe room when the door opened on its own, conking him on the head.

"Ow!" Harry exclaimed, clutching his head in pain while moving away from the door.

"Serves you right!" Ginny's angry voice answered. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing walking in on me like that?"

"I didn't think there was anyone in there!" Harry defended. His head didn't hurt anymore, but he held it so that his arm could block the sight of her.

"How could you not! The door was closed."

"The door's always closed," Harry lied.

"What? You never heard of knocking?"

"Well, only me and Ron use that bathroom, so I thought it was empty since Ron was downstairs eating."

"You know, I use that too. Hermione's usually in ours and she takes forever, so I come up here," Ginny explained. "Besides, this is the only tub that Fred and George hadn't charmed to make my bubble bath tickle me. It's not relaxing to take a tickling bubble bath."

"I wish you hadn't said that," Harry said under his breath as he pictured Ginny in a fit of giggles while surrounded by bubbles.

"What?"

"I'm really sorry, Gin. I'll knock next time."

"You better, or I'll have to hex you," Ginny spun on her heel and left the room, leaving Harry, who was still clutching his head, to wallow in his embarrassment some more. He straightened out looking around to see if she had really left. Satisfied, Harry went over the bathroom to try and take a shower (he knocked on the door this time).

When he got out of the shower, Harry had just wiped off the mirror when he blacked out.

While blacked out, Harry envisioned Voldemort placing a cup, the cup of Hufflepuff, as Harry recognized it, into a small chest along with a few other ancient-looking items that were undoubtedly Horcruxes. Harry clung to the image to see where the box was being hidden, but he felt himself floating away and the scene becoming dim. He tried to fight whatever force was pulling him back, but it was too late, the scene was gone and all Harry was left with was the knowledge that Voldemort had re-hidden all his precious pieces of soul.

"Harry!" Harry heard his name being called in the distance. He couldn't decipher the owner of the voice. Everything was still black, but the voice started getting louder, closer. Harry even felt his body being shaken, vigorously.

By the urgent tone the voice had taken and the shaking, Harry realized something wasn't right. He tried to move his limbs, but they were numb at his sides. Trying to stay calm, Harry tried to open his eyes. Still nothing. Clinging to his last resort, the boy tried to make a noise of any kind. He didn't hear a sound uttered from his throat.

As panic settled in full force, Harry gave one last shot at moving.

Jerking his whole body to the left, falling off the side of his bed.

"Wha–," Harry muffled into the floor. Getting up, he looked around. It looked like he was in his bed the whole time and his paralysis was a dream. Since there was nothing to worry about, Harry went to take a shower. The door was open so, he just walked in and took his shower in peace.

He took his time getting out of the shower, making sure his dream didn't become a reality. He turned his back to the mirror as he dressed to further avoid deja vu.

Just as he was getting out of the bathroom, he saw Ginny coming toward him, towel and clothes at hand.

"Ha! I beat you this time!" Harry exclaimed, feeling like he had just avoided the previous embarrassment of seeing her naked.

"I was unaware there was a race to get to the bathroom first," Ginny replied.

"There isn't. I'm just saying, you could have been in there and I, unaware of your occupation could have walked in."

Ginny narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "you know, Harry, I've always held you to higher standards than that. Don't give me reason to lower them."

"I was speaking completely hypothetically," Harry insisted.

"Of course you are," Ginny traded Harry places so that she was inside the bathroom and Harry was out. "The next time I see you, it better be down at breakfast." She closed the door raptly in his face. Harry merely smiled, relieved that some dreams he had, remained dreams.

With a more positive outlook on how the day was going to be, Harry raced downstairs where the familiar scent of French toast, eggs, and bacon was beginning to make his mouth water.

"Morning. Harry," Mrs. Weasley greeted. She had already made him a plate piled high with food and set it at a place at the table. Harry, sitting down, poured himself a tall glass of milk and a small glass of orange juice. Just as he was about to cut into his scrumptious meal, he notice how much his breakfast looks like the ones that muggles have on the cereal commercials, only he didn't have cereal in front of him.

"Is there something wrong, dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked. "You haven't touched your breakfast."

"What? Oh, sorry, I spaced out," Harry replied. He picked up his fork again, accidentally bumping Ginny, who was pouring syrup.

"Oy! You almost made me spill the syrup."

Harry did a double take, "wait, when did you get here?"

"Ten minutes ago, when you were so fascinated with how your now cold pancakes looked."

"Really?" Harry asked, incredulous.

"Yes, Harry, really."

Harry shrugged his shoulders and dived into his poancakes, imitating a submarine diving into the water while doing so. It was an old habit he picked up as a kid to make the little his Aunt gave him to eat seem more than what it was. The noises also filled the void of lack of maternal attention.

After breakfast, Harry went up to Buckbeak's room for another Horcrux Quest meeting. The trio had asked Sirius to distract the rest of the order and, more importantly, Mrs. Weasley, until the meeting was done.

Although Sirius didn't agree with the three running off into danger without the support of the Order, but he respected that it was something they had to do, whatever it was that they were doing. He wasn't quite sure. All Harry said was it was something Dumbledore asked them to do, and that was reason enough for him.

"Okay, so, I had this dream last night, and I think it was pretty significant," Harry said, opening the meeting.

"What was it?" Ron asked, "something with Voldemort?"

"It couldn't have been something with Voldemort, Ron. Harry has his mind closed off thanks to the occlumency he learned," Hermione stated.

"Yeah, occlumency," Harry smiled sheepishly.

"You _did_ learn occlumency right?"

"Of course I did!" Harry paused, "I'm just not that good at it. I also don't use it voluntarily, but this is the first dream I've had since fifth year, so, no worries, 'Mione"

Hermione remained frowning, but allowed Harry to continue with his dream explanation.

"It was like I _was _Voldemort. I mean, I was seeing things through his eyes, but I guess the connection we have explains that," Harry started. "Quite simply I was putting a Horcrux in a chest with the rest of the Horcruxes. I think Voldemort is putting them all together to make them harder to find."

"But wouldn't that make it easier to find?" Ron asked.

"Not necessarily, Ron," Hermione chimed in. "If all the Hrocruxes are in one place, it gets rid of having to look for more than one, but it makes it harder to narrow down where they could be." Hermione then turned to Harry, but he already knew what she was going to ask.

"No, I didn't see where he put it, or where I was."

"Maybe there's a second part to this dream," Ron suggested.

"Ron, we shouldn't encourage Harry to be in Voldemort's head. He could be possessed again." Hermione said.

"Well, Ron's right," Harry argued. "If I can have another dream like this one, I can pay more attention to the surroundings and we can narrow down this soul hunt. As far as I can see, this is our best shot."

"I guess so, but try not to get stuck, and don't go looking for this dream, Harry. In the meantime, I've researched some places we can look for this chest...if there is one," Hermione stated.

"Are you saying the dream's a fake?" Harry inquired.

"Well, to be honest, it wouldn't be the first time Voldemort used the connection to plant notions in your head," Ron pointed out.

"True, but why would he reveal his deepest darkest secret to me?" Harry asked.

"Point."

"I guess the next thing is, when do we leave?" Hermione asked.

"We have to stay for Bill and Fluer's wedding," Ron reminded her.

"I know, Ron, but when _after_ the wedding do we leave?"

"We'll have to leave as soon as possible," Harry declared. "I mean, Voldemort could have set that whole dream thing up, he could be, I ddunno, tracking our every move?"

"I've never heard of him doing that, but we shouldn't take our chances," Hermione agreed.

"Why don't we just wait a day or so after the wedding and then split in the middle of the night. No one will expect it and the night will cover our tracks," Ron suggested.

"That'll do for now, but with all the attacks that have been happening, it could be subjected to change," Harry said.

"Right. In fact, I think we should gather some supplies today and pack," Hermione said. "That way, we'll be ready no matter what happens."

"How are we going to get around mum?" Ron asked. "The Order jumps whenever we go anywhere together.

At that moment, a light went off in Harry's head, "you two head over to a muggle market. Canned food lasts long and with a few charms, will travel well. Say that you are going to see Hermione's parents."

"What about you?" Hermione asked. "Or are you just going to hang around here?"

"I'll head into Diagon Alley, looking for any spell books that could be proven to be useful for the trip. I'll just say I'm looking for a wedding present."

"Sounds like a plan," Ron said. Harry and Hermione nodded in agreement and the three left buckbeak, who was cleaning his feathers throughout the meeting, in peace.

Harry was in the sitting room, listening to Bill and Fleur argue about place settings or something else wedding related. Whatever it was, Harry fifured it should have already been settled since they were to marry in a week's time. Ron and Hermione had left half an hour ago. Mrs. Weasley didn't trust that they were going where they say they were, even when Ron said he was accompanying Hermione in case of Death Eater attacks.

They were finally able to leave when Remus volunteered to travel with them. Harry was waiting around to avoid further setbacks. Harry just needed a way to randomly get the notion that he needed to get to Diagon Alley for a "wedding present" and he found the argument between the happily betrothed a great segway.

"I just remembered!" Harry cried jumping up from his seat. Bill and Fluer looked over and Mrs. Weasley looked up from taking in the dress Ginny was going to wear for the occasion suspiciously.

"I still need to get you guys a wedding present! I think I'll do that now, before I forget again," Harry declared, pocketing his wand as well as checking to see if he still has some money in his pocket. "Looks like I'm off to Diagon Alley, I'll be back soon."

"Can I come?" Ginny asked, looking up from the book she was reading.

"Sure."

"Wait!" Mrs, Weasley called, stopping the two in their tracks as they were about to leave. "You need an Order member to go with you."

"No we don't," Harry insisted, but quickly covered his would-be mistake. "Fred and George are there at the shop. We'll floo there and pick something out and come back. It shouldn't take more that half an hour."

"Fine, but I want the two of you home in half an hour. No more, " Mrs. Weasley declared.

Harry and Ginny nodded in understanding their circumstances. As Harry said, they flooed to the twins' shop, stopping briefly to say hi, before heading out.

Harry went to a rare spell books shop and bought a couple he found could be useful to them, including a tracking spell. Upon seeing the books, Ginny rolled her eyes.

"You know you're going to burn in Hell for lying to my mum, right?"

"Who said I was lying?" Harry replied simply. "I said I was going to get Bill and Fleur a wedding present and I will. I just never said I couldn't get anything else."

"Some still consider that lying, but like always, you have managed to worm your way out of trouble," Ginny commented. Harry could hear the disapproval in her voice and felt a little guilty.

"We can go where you want to and grab some ice cream after?" Harry offered, taking her by the hand. Ginny's face lightened up and she drug him into the pet store.

The store smelled of dung of various species and pet food. All in all, it was a typical pet store smell. Ginny said something about getting a bird cage for Bill's owl, who currently had a bird stand that was beginning to fall apart. Harry wandered over to the other side of the store to look at the cats and various amphibians.

"Well, what can I help you with, Harry Potter?" a seductive sounding voice said from behind. It wasn't cold, but it still sent an unsettling chill down Harry's spine. He turned around slowly.

"Um, hello. I'm not looking for any help, just looking, thanks," Harry said hurriedly, hoping to avoid any conversation with the sales associate that had taken an apparent interest in him.

"Of course your not looking for a bird, or an amphibian for that matter, no, I know what your after. My name's Kevin, by the way," Kevin held out his hand for Harry to shake. Hesitantly, but not wanting to be rude, Harry took the associate's hand. In a swift movement, Kevin grasped Harry's hand and pulled the surprised teen close to his person.

"You don't have to hide, Harry," Kevin whispered in his ear. "The answer to all your desires is here and at your disposal."

Harry did the first thing that came to mind, something he learned while in muggle school, "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!" He shouted relentlessly, causeing Kevin to retreat back behind the counter. Harry was given odd looks from the other patrons in the store, but he didn't care. He was just glad to be rid of Kevin...well, at least put some barriers up.

Harry waited outside the pet shop for Ginny to finish. When she came out, he cheeks were crimson with anger.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

Ginny exploded, "the nerve of that guy! Who does he think he is! Trying to make a move on my man! If it weren't illegal, I'd like to have used an Unforgivable on him! I just had to settle with a Bat-Bogey hex. Are we getting ice cream or not?"

"Y-yeah, if you still want to," Harry assumed Ginny saw what happened. He couldn't help but smile to himself. Dating a Weasley certainly had its perks.

The couple enjoyed a delightful sundae at the ice cream shop. They would have gotten one each, but since Harry noticed they were cutting a little short on time, so they just split the one. Sitting outside, they appreciated the rarely shining sun. It was perfect for a stroll around the park, but Mrs. Weasley's time restrictions prevented that.

As Harry scooped up the last glob of ice cream, he remembered he still needed to get a wedding present. He decided just to get them something from Fred and George's shop. Light- hearted, last minute, but still had some thought behind it. Racing down the alley with Ginny at his tail, Harry almost launched himself into the shop. At this point in time, they were really pushing the deadline, yet something caught Harry's eye. Upon seeing it he knew that was what he was going to buy as a present.

Harry quickly dashed down the alley and stumbled into a little shop, purchased the item and raced back.

"What did you get?" Ginny asked before stepping into the fireplace.

"You'll see," Harry gave her a mischievous smile before she was swallowed up in flames.

**AN: you know the drill: read, review, favorititng is and option, but reviewing is strongly recommended. Tune into next chapter when we find out what mysterious present Harry has bought!**


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3 Harry Tom Cruise Potter: Secret Agent

**AN: Once again, Harry Potter, as we all know, belongs to JKR. The law requires me to put this, so just ignore it**. **Enjoy the new chapter!**

Harry excitedly ran upstairs with his package. He and Ginny had since returned from Diagon Alley with their presents and now Harry had to wrap his gift. Since he couldn't find wrapping paper, he used an old copy of the _Prophet_.

Mid-wrapping, Harry fished inside his trunk for some Spell-o-tape, but instead, he found a small, neatly wrapped box. There was a label on the package that read: _to Bill and Fleur, best of luck, Harry._

"Huh, I guess I did get them a present after all," he muttered to himself. "Well, what do with what I just got them?" He looked over at the half-wrapped present and frowned. He couldn't give it to them now that he had a better gift already wrapped. Although, he could use it for himself.

A devious smiled spread across the teen's face as he stared down at his new toy. "I'm going to have fun with this one." He placed the item behind his back and left the room. Keeping an eye on the sitting room, he crept down the stairs. Because Harry thought he was being a stealthy secret agent man, he hummed the theme to Mission Impossible.

"Do you hear that?" Harry heard Fluer ask from the other room. He was halfway down the hall, nearly to the kitchen.

"Sounds like music. Really, really bad music," Bill agreed.

Harry opened his mouth in self defense of his humming, ut remembered he wanted to get to the kitchen undetected and defending your singing skills was _not_ a way sneak past detection.

As Harry continued to creep down the hall, slowly, like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. He was a couple feet from the door to the kitchen when Harry's mind began to wander. He was sure that incredibly handsome spies, such as himself, didn't let their minds wander while on missions, especially missions as important as his. However, he realized that he was a little too old to be playing spy.

"Curse my aunt and her inability to love a spawn of her own sister!" Harry said to himself. "I need to stop trying to make up for a loss of childhood...but this is too much fun to quit now. I'll grow up _after_ super secret spy mode."

At that moment, Ron, Hermione, and Remus walked in through the front door. Their first sight: Harry playing spy.

"Harry, what are you doing? And what's behind your back?" Remus asked, curiously.

Harry froze, he had no Twix bar to chew the moment over with. He couldn't let these _commoners _that clearly weren't agents, get in the way of his mission. Thinking fast, Harry did the only thing stealthy agents do when they're about to be discovered. "NINJA HARRY!" the boy cried, diving into the kitchen. He made sure he did a somersault before sticking his landing.

However, the make-believe trouble wasn't over with yet. Sitting at the kitchen table was Mr. Weasley, Kingsley, and Tonks. They were back from a long day of work at the Ministry of Magic.

"Wotcher, Harry, what have you got there?" Tonks greeted.

Harry narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her. She and Remus had a small wedding , but her wedding ring could not just be a symbol of their love. It was probably a secret camera, spying on him and his agent ways. It could also be a weapon. Diamonds are the hardest of rocks, Tonks must have the rock transfixed on him to eradicate him off the face of the planet. She was his enemy and since she was married to Remus, he was also not on his side. He had clearly shown that in the hall.

Harry moved slowly, hoping that his baby steps would be slow enough for Tonks to feel that her diamond bomb was not necessary and that she could take him down with her bare hands. This, of course, was impossible. Harry was trained in the art of origami. His paper ducks can deliver a mean paper cut.

He jumped into the small store room. His package well guarded.

"Sirius, Harry's playing pretend again," Harry heard Tonks call from the kitchen.

Harry pressed his back to the wall. 'Sirius, Harry's playing pretend again' was code for 'target has run into the storeroom. Standby as we prepare to blow it up.'

"They'll never catch me alive," he whispered to himself.

"Is that what you got on Diagon Alley?" An all too familiar voice said nonchalantly from behind. Harry whipped around, trusting the darkness to hide his Precious from her: his girlfriend. What was she doing in a dark storeroom?

"What are you–"

"I heard you before, when you were talking to yourself," Ginny said. "And if you must know, I was...waiting for you." She had gotten a tiny notion in her head to play Harry at his own game. She quickly closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Instinctively, Harry grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close to him, kissing her. He heard a thud where his Precious hit the ground, but it was distant. Harry was too engrossed with the kiss to notice really anything at all. The entire world seemed to melt around them. There was no war, no grief over the loss of anyone, or any mock mission for that, just him and Ginny. That was all that mattered. Harry being with her.

"_Beware of pretty faces that you'll find. _

_A pretty face can hide an evil mind."_

The echoing of Johnny River's advice in his hit "Secret Agent Man" brought Harry out of what seemed like a peaceful dream and pulled away from Ginny.

"What are you really doing here? You couldn't have know I was going to make a slick dodge from Tonk's diamond bomb ring into this storeroom," Harry fixed a hard stare on the girl, knowing she would crack under the pressure of trying to fill the cracks in her story.

But Ginny didn't cringe, fret, or even give the slightest hint of nerves. Instead, she giggled resting her head against Harry's neck. Seeing her there, Harry couldn't help but smile softly.

"I was just playing with you, Harry. Mum wanted me to find something to make for dinner," she said.

The lightbulb went off in Harry's head, "oh, don't worry about it, Gin, I'll take care of dinner tonight." He bent down and picked up the gleaming new device.

"What is that?"

"This? Oh, it's an oven thingy-majigger. It's really cool." Harry turned on the light so that Ginny could see the oven more clearly. It was shaped like the NuWave ovens that Harry saw an infomercial for on the telly. Unlike the oven on the telly, this one was painted black with bleeding red roses covered in barbed wire(geddit? Cuz its goffik) (**AN: I don't own 'My Immortal' either.**)

"Uh, Harry, that looks like it could hurt somebody," Ginny gave the device a sidelong look.

"You want to get out of the storeroom?" Mr. Weasley called from the kitchen. Harry looked at Ginny and she at him. The laughed guiltily before filing out of the storeroom. Although playtime was over, Harry still kept his little oven in a secure place: a dark corner.

Taking one last glance at it, he decided that it was a bit creepy with its goffikness. Harry gave the oven a wave with his wand, changing the color scheme from black to midnight blue and the roses to green dinosaurs.

"What were you two up to in there?" Ron asked suspiciously. Apparently, he had walked into the kitchen sometime between his arrival from wherever he and Hermione decided to go, and now.

"Ginny was looking for something for dinner and I was...helping her," Harry explained, deciding to keep his super secret mission from his best friend. The woman he loves may have been able to coax an answer from him, but he would be damned if Ron made him squeal. "Anyways, I told her that I would take care of dinner tonight."

"Are you sure about that, Harry?" Hermione raised her eyebrows at him.

"Please, Hermione, I've cooked plenty of times for the Dursley's. I think I can manage dinner." The same wicked smile Harry had previously in his and Ron's room returned. Feeling the familiarity, Harry decided to change it up a bit by adding an evil chuckle.

"Wow, mmmmm, Harry that was superb!" Sirius praised, polishing off the last bit of dinner off his plate. "I mean, not many people can make a moist pork chop, but you managed to pull it off." Harry had made a meal of Waldorf salad, pork chops with lemon parsley orzo and sauteed mushrooms.

"That was very good," Remus agreed, picking his teeth.

"What's for dessert?" Ron asked. There was an excited murmur of agreement.

Harry stood up dramatically and sauntered into the kitchen. He was gone for about ten minutes before returning with a piping hot dish of fudge brownies, a tub of vanilla ice cream, and plates for everyone.

"How did you do it, Harry?" Mrs. Weasley inquired when the entirety of dinner was finished and the family was sitting around the table. A few of the ad-dults had small glasses of firewhisky in front of them.

"Well, I'd love to tell, but I think I'd rather not," Harry's mischievous smiled returned, making him look strikingly like his father.

**AN: thanks to the loyal readers! I have one tinsy, tiny request: Please review! I can't tell what you think of the story unless you review! If you don't like something, please let me know. It's also nice to hear what you like too! Tune in next chapter for an exciting, life changing experience in a closet! **


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4 Playing Life in the Closet

**AN: still don't own anything. If the chapter seems rushed, it's because I raced Viva Juanita to post a fourth chapter. I lost. I would like to take the time now to dedicate this chapter to Kevin Fisher. So sad Jana's** **all weird and with Ryder.**

"Sit," Mrs. Weasley said curtly to Harry and Ginny. They sat, faces scarlet for what they were 'caught' doing. It was two days until the wedding and the Weasley's (plus Harry) returned to the Burrow to prepare for the backyard wedding.

Mrs. Weasley paced the kitchen furiously. The two teens could see that she was trying to gain composure to address the matter seriously and in a more quiet tone. However, every time she glanced over at her daughter and the boy she had more or less taken in, she felt the urge to shout until she was blue in the face.

On the other side of the field, Harry mentally prepared his defense. Technically, they did nothing wrong. It was just implied that some serious shiz went down because Mrs. Weasley happened to stumble upon he and Ginny in the closet. But it wasn't like they were caught in the act. In fact, they were doing something G rated.

"What were you two doing in the closet?" said with a strained voice after several minutes.

"I told you mum, we were playing Life," Ginny said for what she estimated to be the thousandth time.

"I heard you, but what exactly do you mean when you say 'life'?"

"Well, it's a game!" Harry said, hoping his cheery, non-guilty tone would further reassure the angry mother.

"A game?"

"Yeah, a game, with people in cars and they go around a board...playing life," Harry paused. "It's a muggle game.

Mrs. Weasley's eyes widened with understanding, "oh, so it's one of those muggle things Arthur leaves hanging around the house?"

"Yes, and we found it and decided to play it," Ginny said exasperated.

"In a closet?"

"The door was locked."

"Why was the door locked?"

"Because it did."

"Oh really? I don't believe you Ginevra Molly Weasley."

"It really did!" Harry reassured. "Here, we'll go into flashback mode so you can see we're telling the truth."

*Flashback*

Alright, Bill said the tables settings are in this closet," Harry directed. He and Ginny were in front of the broom closet in the kitchen, fulfilling important wedding preparation orders. "How many boxes can you lift?"

"One," Ginny answered flatly. "I'm not 17, remember?"

"But the Ministry doesn't care anymore! Although odd, it still allows an unknown freedom for underage witches and wizards everywhere!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah, but when you have a mother...oh, I didn't mean it like that!" Ginny tried to catch herself, but it was too late. Harry had already thought about his lack of parental guidance and siblings to suffer with him. If only the Baudlaire orphans could see how lucky they are to have each other.

"Harry, you know the Weasley's are your family!" Ginny said, giving the saddened boy a hug.

"I guess that can fill the void until I see my parents again," Harry sniffed, bottling his sadness. Chicks digged a guy who wasn't afraid to let a few tears slip, but a full on sob was completely unattractive.

"I wish you wouldn't talk about dying."

"I'm not," Harry brightened up, feeling empowered by his knowledge of the future events. "You see, during the final battle of Hogwarts, Voldemort demands me to turn myself in in exchange for the safety and security of my loved ones. Of course I agree, but since I'm in Dumbledore's office, I see this ring that was a Horcrux and find a ring that can bring people back from the dead. Naturally, I will resurrect my parents, Sirius, and Remus."

"Are you saying that Sirius and Remus are going to die? What are Horcruxes? Is that how the final battle really turns out?" Ginny looked even more bothered than she did when Harry first brought up death.

"No, not really. You see, the whole resurrection stone thing is part of this complicated plot line dealing with this tale about the Deathly Hallows. Because I have neither the time nor patience to go through with obsessing over this holy trilogy of power, I will be pursuing an alternative route."

"So, you're _not_ going to die in the end? And we can be together forever?"

"Well, between the two of us," Harry looked around to make sure there were no eavesdroppers. "Now, you and I don't know this yet, but I kinda, sorta _have _to die in order to defeat Voldemort."

"Oh," Ginny broke the gaze she had locked between the two of them. She knew that if she would hold her starstruck stare for any longer, she'd cry at the thought of those wonderfully green eyes closing forever.

"Try not to think about it, Gin, I mean, the final battle is a long ways away. In that time I could always find a way to make it so I die, but without dying," Harry pulled her into his embrace. "For right now, Bill needs us to deliver his table settings so that his wedding tables aren't caught naked."

"You're right," Ginny walked into the closet to start lugging out boxes. Unfortunately, the boxes she needed were under one, non-wedding related box. "Hee, help me with this box, Harry?"

"Sure," Harry set down the set of boxes he had levitated out of the closet and actually entered the storage space to do what he does best: help. Promptly, as if on cue, after Harry entered the closet with Ginny, the door slid shut.

"What the?" Harry said, turning around in total darkness to wiggle the handle. "It's stuck."

"No, it's not!" Ginny pushed him out of the way to try the handle for herself. "This is just some little ploy of yours."

"Yes, Ginny, I made the door lock behind me so that we would be here all alone."

After pulling and twisting the handle around, hoping it would open, failed, Ginny rounded on Harry, "this is all your fault! Unlock the door."

"I've tried!" Harry said defensively, "it won't open."

"You have a wand, use it!"

Harry gave her a look, "you think that I wouldn't have thought of that by now if I _had_ my wand?"

"YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR WAND!"

"No, I left it on top of the box...outside the closet," despite Ginny's anger, Harry stayed chill as a cucumber. "Well, now what do we do? Wait for someone to come around and open it for us? How did it lock anyways?"

"I think I heard Fred and George say something about charming a door so that if Bill and Fleur got any ideas, they would get caught. But I didn't know it was _this_ closet," Harry mused. Looking around, Harry felt around for a light producing device. His hands fell onto a string with a little ball at the end of it. Pulling the string, an overhead light came on.

"There, now isn't that better?"

"Much," Ginny said. She was obviously still mad about being stuck in the small room. "Do you know any tricks to passing the time until someone gets us out of here?"

"Well, we could sing songs, tell horror stories, share our deepest, darkest secrets, count backwards from one million, lots of things. We could play patty cake."

"Yeah, ok, anything else?"

Harry looked around to see if there was anything else that he could think of doing. Although making out came to mind, he was certain that Ginny wouldn't feel like it. He was just about to give up when his eyes fell onto a familiarly colorful box. He figured it was a muggle board game, he just wasn't sure which one. Harry picked the box up off the shelf it was living on and blew off the dust.

"Hey! We can play Life!" Harry exclaimed, looking down at the board game. Ginny, who was too busy trying to see if she had mind powers that could open the door, heard what Harry had said, but didn't see the board game that was in his hand.

"What? I am NOT having any children before I'm 20, so pick a new game to play, Potter!"

"No, Ginny, it's a board game called 'The Game of Life'. It's a muggle game," Harry explained, showing her the box.

"Oh," Ginny's cheeks burned red with embarrassment. "Yeah, we can do that. How do you play?"

"It's easy," Harry said, sitting on the floor, getting out all the game pieces. He told her the rules and they began to play. Ginny chose to start with a career life, Harry chose to go to college first. By the time the two were reaching retirement, Ginny was a successful owner of a fast food chain, was divorced with two kids. Harry was a doctor that had survived six suits for malpractice and had 18 kids...and counting.

"How could I have managed to land on so many children spaces?" Harry wondered out loud as he spun the spinner. Moving his 4 cars forward three spaces, Harry landed on a space that read 'Congratulations! You have twins!'

"Oh come on!" Harry yelled at the game.

"Some one's getting cranky," Ginny giggled, handing the frustrated boy a new car since his other one was full. Harry snatched the car from her hands and put his two new 'bundles of joy'.

"Sink or swim time kiddies," Harry grumbled at the new car, "Because if you crash, I ain't looking back."

"Harry! How can you say that? They're your children," Ginny said incredulous.

"Sink or swim, Ginny. My kids need to learn that it's a dog eat dog world."

"So, what if you actually do end up having 20 kids and15 of them die in a fire or some tragic accident?"

"The world is overpopulated enough as it is," Harry said flatly, "besides, I would rather give myself a vasectomy than have seven kids."

"What's wrong with having seven children?" Ginny asked, defensively.

"Nothing, in fact, two of the most beloved families consist of seven children."

"Like?"

"Like the Weasleys and the Von Trapps," Harry continued. "However, I do not want to join that list of beloved families. That is why I have decided, as of now, that I will only have three, but no more than four, children."

"What happens if, oh say, we were married and I had a fifth child?" Ginny inquired.

"Coyotes will have a feast the night it enter this world," Harry replied, looking resolute.

Ginny fixed a hard look on him, "I can't believe you just said that! Even though I know you would never kill any of your children."

"Technically, I wouldn't be killing it, I would just be giving it a new home. Hey, maybe the coyotes will raise the child as their own, like the movie, _Dances with Wolves_. Are you going to move?"

"Yeah," Ginny was still made at what Harry said, but was glad she was able to retire in a nice home. Harry, unfortunately, had to rent out her pool house, and Ginny did not allow all of his children to go live with him.

Ginny was going to suggest another game when the door opened. Harry and Ginny immediately looked up to see their savior, but cringed when they saw the murderous expression on Mrs. Wealsey's face.

*End Flashback*

"See?" Harry concluded, "no misconduct whatsoever."

"Very well," Mrs. Weasley was about to say something else when Bill entered the kitchen.

"There you are! Did you get the table settings? I sent for them an hour ago, what were you doing? Playing patty cake?" He asked, flustered.

"I told you we should have played patty cake!" Harry exclaimed.

"They're right over there," Ginny pointed to the pile outside the closet. Bill walked past them and levitated the boxes. Since he couldn't hold all the boxes with the one spell, Mrs. Weasley jumped to his aid, levitating the rest of the boxes.

"Harry?" Ginny asked, breaking the silence that had settles in the room.

"Yes?"

"You know how you were saying before about having to die?"

"Yes," Harry frowned, wondering where she was heading with the conversation.

"Well, what would it be like for you if I were to die? I don't know what I would do if you actually do die."

Harry squirmed in his seat. He was trying to avoid the thought of losing Ginny in the war. He had already lost so many loved ones, to lose her, Harry figured that might be his final straw, the fine line in the sand between sanity and insanity. He couldn't even think of a serious answer for her, so he made one up.

"Well, you see, the war won't kill you. If I see that you might die during any battle, I will take you, lock you in a freezer, light it on fire and listen to you die. Then, I will have your head shrunken and hang it in a coffee shop that I will have where we will be together forever."

Ginny took a moment to think about this. She saw the pain in his eyes before he answered, but she realized that maybe his answer held some closure. "Harry?"

"Mmmmm?" Harry asked, whipping his head around to look at her.

"If you die in the war, can I do that to your head?"

"Go for it."

**AN: Alright! Another chapter down! Please, please, please review! I'm at the point of where I might pull a Tara Gilesby and refuse to update until I get at least 5 reviews (good or bad, doesn't matter). Tune in next chapter where Bill and Fleur will be married and a reception that only leads to disaster and hilarity. Oh PS I am now Senorita Sassybuns. **


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5 A Not so Potter Doctor Day

**AN: Ok so, I was hoping this chapter would be the wedding one but I'm on page 4 and I really don't want to post a twelve paged chapter, so this is the teaser to the wedding, less white, but equally as funny.**

Everyone was scrambling around to finish the decorations for the wedding up until the night before. Fleur's parents were already at he Burrow and the two families seemed to be getting along. Traditionally, the women were upstairs, making sure the dresses fit and marvel at Fleur's wedding gown. Outside, the men were laughing and passing around drinks. One could look on the scene and say, 'war? What war?'

It was around 8:30 when a red head, rarely thought about or mentioned, appeared. No, it wasn't Percy. It was Charlie! He had come home from Romania to see his older brother marry.

"Well, looks like the gang is almost all back together," Ron observed. "All we need is that other person we are biologically related to."

"You mean Percy?" Charlie asked taking a sip of his butterbeer. He had known there was some tension between his younger brother and the rest of the family, but he didn't know how the tension had escalated until he heard refusing to call Percy by name.

"The git," Fred murmured darkly, taking a swig.

"Is he really that bad?"

"Let's just say, if Voldemort were to take over the Ministry, Percy would follow him," George replied.

"Your brother is better than that, George," Mr. Weasley interjected. "He wouldn't join the Death Eaters."

"How is that going anyways?" Charlie inquired. "We don't really here about it back in Romania."

"Let's just hop it will be over soon," Remus said, holding his son, Teddy.

"Hang on! Wait!" Harry cried out randomly. He wasn't sure if it was the drink or that fact that there was truly something amiss, so he put his money on both. "Remus, what are you doing with children?"

"What are you doing in heels?" Remus replied, pointing to the hot pink stilettos Harry was trying to rock.

"Well, according to one 'Viva Juanita' Voldemort can make heels clack on carpet. I feel that if I can master this ability, I will be able to defeat him.

" But don't change the subject! You're not supposed to have children until me, Ron, and Hermione have escaped the clutches of the Death Eaters at the Malfoy Manor by running to the Shell Cottage, where Bill and Fleur are living!"

Taking deep breaths, Harry looked at the concerned faces that he was receiving from his family. "I am not crazy," he added quietly before strutting back inside. At the door, he stopped and whipped around for a Tyra worthy pose, in case he had a possible career as a model in the after life.

"Is he alright in the head?" Charlie asked, frowning. Harry was a lot different from when they first met during the World Cup.

"I think the pressures of the war are starting to get to him," Mr. Weasley stated.

"Hey, Charlie?" Ron asked, looking at a cocktail napkin with something scrawled on it.

"What?"

"Do you know what's small and sits dangerously in a tree?"

"No, where did you hear that?"

"It's this riddle Harry gave me. Hermione figured out the answer but I can't seem to get it."

"Ron, Harry giving you that riddle says everything. He needs to take a break from everything and just relax for awhile," Remus said. He went inside to hand Teddy off to Tonks.

Inside, Harry decided to join the women's party. It seemed less judgmental than the men's party. At least women appreciate the need for a man to beat his enemies at their own game. Besides, Ginny was there!

"Harry, what are you doing in heels?" Was the first thing out of Hermione's mouth when Harry walked into the room.

"Who is this?" Fleur's mother asked. She was standing beside her daughter who was hold the small party favors that were going to be handed out to all the guests.

"Oh, that is Harry Potter. He is dating Ginny," Fleur asked without looking up.

"What? I have no idea who this boy is!" Ginny cried out indignantly. "Go back to where you came from stranger."

"Ginny Weasley! You be nice!" Mrs. Weasley scolded. "Harry, dear, what are you doing in those shoes?"

"I am working on defeating the dark lord," Harry said simply.

"How?"

"By making myself so powerful, I can make heels clack on carpet." Harry paused, looked down at his shoes and then over at Ginny, who was dusting off an old picture of her and Dean.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Harry cried. He ripped off one of his stylish stilettos and flung it at the picture. The heel nabbed Dean in the face, shattering the glass while forcing Ginny to drop the picture.

"I will not be replaced!"

"Who said I was replacing you? I was just dusting it off so I could throw it in my box of Dean stuff," Ginny said, pointing to the box at her feet labeled "Dean Stuff"

"What are you doing with the box?" Harry asked, still sounding hurt over his thought of Ginny replacing him with her ex.

"Storage, so I can laugh at my insane choices several years from now."

Harry fixed a hard stare at her, then he looked down at his single stiletto. Deciding that maybe he should just go back to finding the Horcruxes, Harry took off the stylish shoe. He walked across the room, wiggled the other shoe out of Dean's head where it was lodged. Looking up at the women, some who had decided he should stay as far away as possible, Harry walked out of the room.

"I think I'll just go to bed now," Harry said, turning around. "To be honest, I have a bit of a headache. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Harry," Mrs. Weasley called warmly.

Harry gave a half smile before trudging upstairs to the top of the house, to the familiar spot in Ron's room where his bed was made up. He was changing into his pajamas when he heard a knock. He picked up his shirt, thinking of putting it on, but decided against it. Although he wasn't sure who was at the door, he was surprised and slightly embarrassed when he saw it was Ginny.

"Hi there," Ginny said quietly. She glanced down at Harry bare chest, then quickly looked back up, cheeks tinted with rogue.

"Uh, hey," Harry avoided her eyes, choosing instead to admire the craftsmanship of the doorframe. "So, how's the party?" he asked, hoping Ginny didn't have a bottle of wine behind her back. If she did then, he realized he would be in the same situation as Ryder and Jana. A situation he didn't want to be in because he hated Jana's new personality and there was a house filled with Weasleys that can turn violent at the thought of someone touching the littlest Weasley.

"You don't have a bottle of wine hiding behind your back, do you?" Harry said cautiously, ready to slam the door in her face. He briefly pondered the rudeness of the action, but knew deep in his soul that he did not want to wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with Ginny holding him, blubbering "it's just like Cold Case Files."

"No, why? Did you want a bottle of wine?" Ginny asked. Harry was starting to act weird again.

"No, no, just wondering," Harry nodded, trying to fill the void that was an awkward silence. Looking at his watch he noted that Lincoln's ghost was on time as always.

"So, can I come in? Or are you opposed to having anyone in the room while you have your shirt off?" Ginny mentally smacked herself in the head for pointing out that he was half naked. And worse, that she _noticed_ he was half naked. Why couldn't she be more like applesauce? Smooth and delightfully light.

"Uh, yeah," Harry shuffled aside to let Ginny step gracefully inside. He silently cursed himself for not being more like applesauce: smooth and delightfully light. "Although, I'm not sure how this will go with the Brady Bunch part of the Weasley clan."

"The Brady Bunch?"

"Nevermind. I just said that because there's six children in the Brady Bunch and you have six brothers."

"Oh," Ginny perched herself on Ron's bed. Harry was still standing by the door, avoiding her eyes. Ginny cursed him for this. How was she supposed to keep her eyes on his and not on his chest if he refused to look at her. She needed to strike up a distraction. A conversation will suffice.

"I just wanted to see if you were ok," Ginny found herself feeling strangely like Ally from the Notebook when she went to see Noah for the first time since they were dating.

"Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Well you looked a little upset when you came up here and I wanted to see if, maybe, you were ok?"

"Well, we're stuck in a war that only I can end and I have no idea how I'm going to do that," Harry admitted. "And I think I might have been a little childish lately because I was trying to cover up my fears. I really don't think I can be this great hero that everyone sees me to be. It's a lot of pressure!"

Ginny paused to think about this. Sure it sounded like something a fanfiction writer has had him say before, but that only makes it more true. If she really wanted to be unique, she would have to tackle the statement with a new approach.

"Well, yeah. You are supposed to defeat the Dark Lord and everyone expects you to do that, but that certainly doesn't mean you are capable..."

"Thanks, Ginny, I knew I could count on you for a cliche motivational speech that any fanfiction writer would have you say," Harry's voice dripped with cold sarcasm.

"I was trying to be original!" Ginny retorted. "But if you want a cliche motivation speech, I can give you one!"

"Well, can I have the original one first?"

"Sure," Ginny cleared her throat, hoping the speech wouldn't be too long. She would like fit in some cuddle time. How often will she be able to cuddle with this guy without her brothers ever finding out or Harry dying? Never.

"So, you don't think you're capable of defeating Ol' Volders, but how capable were you all those years ago? Not very. Yeah, you had mummy there to protect you and all, but you still have that and now you know spells and stuff. Wow, this is really bad." Ginny trailed off.

"No, no, I see where you're going with this. Go on," Harry, deciding to take a risk and step out of his emergency 'my girlfriend is in the room while I have my shirt off and her murderous older are downstairs' circle to sit next to her. Since he was now living a life of danger, he scooted a little closer to her. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could try the subtle yawn arm stretch around the shoulders trick.

"Ok, and since you know spells and stuff, you have more than what you had when you first defeated You Know Who and you can defeat him again," Ginny finished.

"Wow, Ginny...that doesn't make me less afraid, but I give you an E for effort."

"Really?"

"Yes, I do. Maybe I'll ask my mum for advice when I see her," Harry said earnestly.

"But I thought you weren't following that plotline since it was too complicated?"

"Oh, that's right. Well, I guess I'll just have to settle with one of Hermione's 'you can do it, Harry, you're a really powerful wizard, this, that, and the other thing' speeches."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Each second that passed, Ginny felt a greater pressure mount on her chest. Ron will be up any minute and the closest to cuddle she has gotten was Harry sitting close to her. Not that she was complaining, but it was slightly disappointing. How hard is it for a guy to do one of those not-so-subtle yawn arm stretch around the shoulder thing? Dean had shown her that it was easy as pie. He did it all the time.

It was at that moment Harry got a brilliant idea. He bore deeply into Ginny's eyes, waited until she was mesmerized and lost in his. Then, he pulled himself out of his trance. Standing up, he clasped his hands in hers, pulling her with him. At this point, Ginny had broken the trance she was in and considered pulling away from Harry, who was leading her somewhere, but never opened her mouth, lost in the way Harry was cradling her.

Harry pulled back until he felt the back of his legs hit the edge of his bed. He crawled into it, pulling Ginny in with him. He used the fact that the bed was too small for two people as an excuse the pull Ginny extra close to them. Meanwhile, he thought _take that! People who settle with yawn arm stretches! I am SO romantic. _

No _Fa la la_ here. The two just enjoyed the closeness they were sharing. Their heads were pressed together, his arms encircled her small figure, and Ginny gave him a small peck every now and then. The night wore on, but never seemed to end (**AN: if at this point in time you think to yourself, "with all this love, the author must be drawing inspiration from Colbie Caillat" you would be correct**).

It was around one in the morning (thank goodness for evening weddings) did Ginny awake to the sound of drunks on the stairs. She was half inspired to make a musical, but the shot of adrenaline told her it was time to jet from the comfort of Harry's arms and tip toe back to her bed. It would be hard trying to slip out undetected, so she just woke Harry as well.

"Mmmmmm?" Harry groaned, pulling himself out of some of the best sleep he's had...well, ever!

"I have to go now," Ginny said simply, hearing the drunks grow louder as they climbed higher.

"Ok, come back soon," Harry mumbled, releasing his girlfriend. Ginny thanked him and began her creeping out of the room.

"Ginny?" Harry called back, still half asleep.

"What?" Ginny turned back around.

"I love you."

If she had an ounce of breath left, it just left her. What's more, she wasn't sure what to say. She had only rehearsed this moment in her life with her beloved rabbit, Mr. Fluffalopagus when she was little. Now that it was a man saying to her, Ginny was lost for words. Harry was half asleep and most likely wouldn't remember telling her that later that morning. So, theoretically speaking, Ginny could walk out without saying a word and he'll never know. On the other hand, why was it so hard to reply the favor? Was it because she really wasn't in love with him and if so, why had she put up with his shit for the past year? Why did she spend the last who knows how many hours in his arms without even a hint of misconduct? Didn't that alone say she loved him?

So many questions swirled around in Ginny's head. She needed an answer for all of this. She needed help.

A light went on in the girl's head at that moment. Harry was still lost and now, thanks to Harry, so was she. She happened to know someone who could help the both of them. Making a mental note to contact said person ASAP.

"Goodnight, Harry," Ginny said softly before she left the room, passing Ron who was staring out at the sky, swaying, in front of the door to his room.

When she had managed to kick everyone who collapsed in her room out, Ginny scribbled a note to her friend. It read:

_Hey, I need your help with something. Could you come by my brother's wedding tomorrow? Thanks, Ginevra _

**AN: alright! Next chapter, I promise, wedding bliss and more drinking because what's a wedding without drinks? If you don't get the name of the title, then hop on over to Harry Potter/Doctor Who crossovers and read "A Potter Doctor Day" by VivaJuanita. I used her idea with the voldemort in heels thing from that.**


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6 Who Invited Texas?

**AN: Alright! (Chuck and Cindy) The Wedding! I would like to dedicate this chapter to Matt Smith as The Doctor and the little boy from "Kids on Kids on Kids" who wants a wife that can cook so that he won't have to eat frozen meat. This is going to be super long so, hang in there!**

The Next morning, the majority of the family was sitting around the table, nursing steller hangovers. Of course, most of the family consists of all the men, Fleur, and Hermione, who had her first glass of Firewhisky (followed by a second, third, fourth, with a fifth as a topper).

"Alright! WEDDING DAY!" Harry shouted, practically jumping into the kitchen with excitement. He had never been to a wedding before and from what he saw in the movies, weddings were great fun. They also took his mind off the impending doom that was his facing Voldemort. His exuberance was met with shouts demanding silence.

Few members of the Weasley clan remembered the previous night's events, even the sober ones seemed to draw a blank. Ginny, however was not one of them. The remainder of her night was restless, mind riddled with swirling thoughts of doubt, insecurity, and fear. She had finally gotten what she wanted, only now she didn't seem to want it anymore.

There was one thing Ginny was sure of: it was all Harry's fault. If he had never said those three little words to her, she wouldn't be in this mess. What's worse: Harry doesn't even care! He thinks he can just play Ginny like that? Play the love card with pure sincerity and expect her to just be fine and dandy? They're in the middle of a ruddy war! This was no time for love. It was time for small acquaintances, little romance here and there to get through the dark, but not love. Love was too permanent. War is a time where permanent was seldom found, especially for love. Who falls in love during a war? Besides Bill.

Ginny grudgingly made herself a bowl of cereal. She didn't really feel like eating and it was all Harry Potter's fault. Slowly, Ginny felt her sense of resentment turn to hate. Her eldest brother is to be married later in the evening, and Harry Potter made Ginny hate him. One shouldn't feel hate on a wedding, it's bad luck. Hopefully, her friend will come by like she asked him to and settle this issue she has. Maybe she should just break-up with the git.

"So, Ginny, how are you this morning?" Harry asked conversationally, unaware of the rocks his relationship had managed to crash into.

"Fine. Thanks," Ginny's short answer was an obviously clear indication there was something wrong and like any decent boyfriend, Harry made it his new secret agent mission to find out what it was.

"What's up? Did you sleep well? I slept wonderfully! The best night of sleep I ever had."

"Well isn't that just sweet? Meanwhile I couldn't sleep and it was all your fault!" Ginny was practically shrilly. She never was good at holding anger inside.

"Come on, Ginny," Bill moaned painfully. "If you're going to yell at Harry can't you take it outside? Have a little consideration, please?"

Ginny shot her brother a rude look and stormed out of the room. After a quick glance at the family sitting around the table, he followed Ginny into the other room.

"What's wrong? I thought that thing we had going last night was good. I enjoyed it," Harry said softly, thinking back to laying in bed with his girlfriend rather close to him.

"Yeah, that was nice, but then you had to go and mess it up!" Ginny fumed.

"How? How did I mess it up? The last thing I remember is telling you I love you and then you left," Harry said.

Ginny froze. He did remember! Now she felt bad for not returning the favor, which made her loathe sodding Harry Potter even more. However, she couldn't let him know that was why she was mad. It would break his heart and then they would break up and when she wanted to get back with him, he would tell her he's with Draco Malfoy! No, she had to hide this from him. She couldn't make any rash decisions until her professional help arrived. But now she needed an excuse as to why she's mad. She couldn't say he tried something frisky, Ron was in the room.

"You...didn't walk me back to my room," Ginny knew it was lame, but it was the best she could think of.

"That's it?" Harry was confused. Then again, women confused him. He could never understand the things they did. Like why Hermione dated Victor Krum and then he just dropped off the face of the earth the following year. Women were stranger than aliens. Harry made a mental note to inquire about women in his next transmission to the aliens that he knew were waiting to invade the Earth outside Jupiter.

"Yes, you tell me you love me, but you don't even walk me back to my room? That's pretty lame, don't you think?"

"Yeah, really lame," Harry said, but about the reason and not the essence of the reason. "Next time, I'll make sure to walk you back to your room, Ginny. I mean, if that's what you insist on what's wrong."

"It is."

"Ok, I'm going to finish breakfast now," Harry said, walking backwards slowly into the kitchen.

Around noon, the family began the hustle and bustle around preparing for a wedding. Every shower was being used regardless of warm water or no. Of course, women had dibs on all the mirrors in the household for hair, make-up, and other girly things that seem pointless to men. So instead, the men busied themselves with setting up the chairs, tables for the reception and made sure there were plenty of food and booze.

An hour before the wedding was set to start, guests started to arrive. Harry and Ron as well as a handful of invited Aurors were stationed by the entrance, seating charts at hand. There was a basic system: people come in, Ron or Harry show them where they are sitting, the people sit, and the boys return to their position. The Aurors made sure that there were no Death Eaters trying to crash the wedding.

"So, this wedding is starting to bore me," Harry said to Ron. It was ten minutes before the ceremony.

"Well, maybe you can pass the time by telling me the answer to the riddle you gave me last night," Ron suggested. There was a hint of agitation in his voice.

"You haven't figured that out yet?"

"NO!" Ron shouted, "it seems like everyone knows the answer but me! What am I missing?"

"I think the question here is what are you so irate over?" Charlie chimed in, walking toward the two.

"I want to know the anser to the riddle, 'what's small and sits dangerously in a tree?'"

"I thought that was some joke you were on about last night," Charlie gave his brother a look. "I mean, we all had a little too much to drink last night."

"I didn't!" Harry exclaimed proudly. "I went to bed before I reached the legal alcohol limit of .08."

"Harry, you were walking around in hot pink heels saying you were going to defeat the Dark Lord in them. How can you say you weren't drunk?" Charlie asked.

"Ok, so I had a few, well, six butterbeers, but that is not considered drunk," Harry said defensively.

"So, you intentionally had those heels on?" Ron gave Harry a look of concern.

"Yes, but I've learned that fashionable outfits will not fix all the problems in the world. In fact, it just makes them worse because people hate people that are beautiful," Harry felt that a load was taken off his chest. He couldn't help that he was well endowed with his father's stunning looks, but his mother's vibrant eye color. With the dress robes he was wearing and his new, uplifting attitude, it was safe to say, Harry was dressed to kill.

"Ok Harry, good to know," Charlie said. He walked away slowly, taking his place by Bill at the altar.

"I guess it's starting," Ron commented. He and Harry abandoned their post as guest greeters and sat in the vacant chairs. Just as they sat down, music began playing and everyone stood up, looking toward the back doors, expecting Fleur's exquisite entrance.

"We just sat down," Ron muttered to Harry, who nodded in agreement.

The bride's maids were the first to walk in. There was Fleur's sister Gabrielle at the head, followed by Hermione and Ginny, bringing up the rear. They walked slowly down the aisle. Harry found their walk a little too slow. He couldn't quite understand why they had to walk slow. Maybe they were buying time for Fleur. But that was besides the point. The point was they were wasting time by walking slow. Then, when Fleur makes her entrance, she would walk down the aisle slow and then the ceremony will be all wordy, filled with rubbish about love and commitment and then she and Bill would profess their love for each other and then there would be more rubbish about life and death and love and then they would exchange rings and then there would be more love and then they would kiss and face the crowd, married and then everyone would clap.

"This is going to take for freakin EVER!" Harry exlaimed at the thought of standing for at least two more hours. He huffed angrily, but then dropped his impatience as he saw all the guests giving him dirty looks. He even saw a few shake their heads with disapproval.

"Harry, don't be rude," Hermione scolded next to him. Harry did a double take because he was so lost in the long list of events, he didn't see Hermione standing next to him. He leaned forward to see what Ginny's facial expression had to say. She was smiling, which could only mean Ginny felt like the prettiest person in the room, and rightly so, in Harry's opinion.

While Harry was staring at Ginny, a ring of fire lit up in front of the attic window

of the Burrow. Everyone's heads turned from the door to the window. Harry looked over at Bill, who had a broad smile on his face. He knew Fleur was saying something about a grand entrance, but Harry was unaware it was _extreme _grand. He just thought it was going to be like a bunch of doves flying away, leaving Fleur standing at the front, waiting to walk down the aisle.

Harry's attention was driven, once again, away from his slur of thoughts to the happenings of the wedding. In his absence, he missed the window exploding off of the house and Fleur step onto the ledge. She was gracefully dressed in the traditional white dress. It was slimming, yet the skirt billowed behind her as a random gust of wind rustled through the scene. She jumped. The crowd gasped, but Harry held onto his breath as Fleur somersaulted through the ring of fire. She fell toward the ground.

"She's going to fall on the ground splat!" Harry heard a woman squeak behind him and it certainly looked like that was just what was going to happen, but just as what everyone thought would be tragedy, turned into a marvelous spectacle as Fleur tumbled at the last moment, landing perfectly on her feet, mere steps from the altar. She was completely unscathed.

As if on cue, Bill haughtily strode toward his bride, a smirk plastered on his face. He looped his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him.

At that moment, as if the window leap wasn't action enough, a series of loud bangs began to erupt from the house. Scared, guests began dispel from the event screaming, In one explosion, the Burrow was thrown into a great, towering inferno, but that wasn't the end. More, smaller explosions followed around the yard. There was mass hysteria and chaos, but Harry loved it. He felt Ginny grab his arm. Her voice was distant, but he knew that she was telling him that they had to go, they had to run. She pulled at his arm, practically screaming at him, but he didn't budge. He wasn't missing this scene for the world.

Bill and Fleur, despite the fire and chaos, were still standing by the altar. They gazed into each other's eyes as the priest yelled all the official wedding rubbish. Harry saw the two shout their vows over the roar of explosions and screams of panic of the guests. It was really romantic. So romantic, that Harry decided that was how his parents were married: guns blazing, surrounded by fire and an eff load of explosions.

When Bill and Fleur kissed, officially making them married, Harry applauded and cheered.

"YES!' Harry cheered and clapped. There was nothing like raw action to stave off boredom, "that is how a wedding SHOULD be! Yeah!"

"Harry, it's not over yet," Bill said softly from the altar. Harry looked around him. He was the only one standing, everyone else was sitting quaintly in their chairs, watching the ceremony take place. Harry realized that he had spaced out and the hard core wedding he thought was taking place, was actually a fantasy.

"Right, sorry, first rodeo," Harry stammered. He felt the back of his neck glow brightly with embarrassment. Harry took one last look around before smiling sheepishly and sitting back down with everyone else. He looked between his two best friends. Hermione looked annoyed and was giving him her famous look of disapproval. Ron was trying to suppress a laugh.

For the remainder of the undisturbed ceremony, Harry stared shamefully at his feet. He interrupted the proceedings right before the ring exchange so, at least there wasn't that much torture he had to sit through. Harry made a mental note that at the reception he would stay in the shadows. If he was lucky, he would be able to be invisible like when he was younger.

When the time did come for the reception, most everyone helped themselves to the hours d'oeuvres and champagne. They marveled at and basked in awe during Bill and Fleur's first dance and joined them soon after the song was over. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the sliver of happiness that they had. The war had been left at the door, only to be picked up when all the guests had returned home. Or, until Death Eaters attacked, whichever came first.

While all the guests ate, danced, and laughed the night away, Harry Potter looked from afar. He, as promised, found himself a dark table to brood. He had his little glass of champagne. It was bitter, but the alcohol reminded him of the bitterness of his youth. As he polished off the glass, Harry made a mental note not to get another glass. His mood would surely put him on a steadfast track to alcoholism. Then he would become the image Aunt Petunia made his father be when Aunt Marge popped by for a visit.

"Hey you," Ginny said softly. She had a half-full glass of punch in her hand.

"Hey, Ginny," Harry replied.

"Feeling sorry for yourself again?"

"More like wallowing in humiliation."

"That's what I said." Ginny sighed and took the chair beside the man."So you interrupted the ceremony, thinking it was over when it clearly wasn't and that everyone seemed to see that but you, it's no big deal! I mean, you did give everyone something to gripe about. Fleur thought that they would scold her not so classy choice of venue, but instead, you are the talk of the party!"

"Can you not give a cliche motivational speech to save your life?" Harry shot at her. It wasn't intended to be angry, but it somehow came out that way.

"No I can't" Ginny retorted, eyes glowering with fury. "And you know what you can't do? You can't let people be happy with the way things are. You have to screw up everything!" Ginny stormed off, leaving Harry to consider another glass of depressing alcohol. Why people thought it could drown out their woes, he wasn't sure. He just knew that Ginny was mad at him, he was the talk of the party, and Voldemort was going to be his first, second, third, and last kill.

"I think I'm depressed," Harry mumbled to himself.

"Join the club," Victor Krum said from beside Harry. Harry looked over at the quidditch jock as he poured some firewhisky into his empty class. "We meet on Sundays, by the way."

"Who does?"

"Depressed anonymous. It's a peer circle. I have to say, I got great insight from it. I learned where my insecurities lie and how to overcome them instead of them powering over me. It's changed my whole quidditch career."

"You were depressed?" Harry seemed to be having a hard time believing him. Nothing drink couldn't fix!

"Yeah, hard to tell, I know, but I fell hard. I even resigned from the team. Then, one day, while I was sitting on the curb, feeling sorry for myself, a man came up to me and pointed me to this building. I'm not sure what it was called, but I went there anyways. Inside, I saw this flier for depressed anonymous. I went to the meetings. Now, I recommend it to anyone," Victor gave Harry a warm smile.

Harry, creeped out, decided his bout of depression was over and he should try to mingle with the other guests. Maybe he'll ask Ginny to dance since she was mad at him and all. He found that he was able to talk to the guests that didn't scold him for interrupting the ceremony, mainly Fred, George, and Ron.

It was around 8 o'clock, the whole wedding seemed to stop. Harry, Ron, Fred and George moved through the gossiping crowd to see what happened.

"What's up?" Ron asked Hermione, who just appeared next to them.

"Somebody just arrived here," Hermione whispered back. "Harry, are you wearing a bow tie?" She added, looking back at Harry's wedding outfit with slight distaste.

"Hey! Bow ties are cool," Harry snapped.

The crowd seemed to disperse around the bride, groom, and unexpected, nor invited, guest. Pushing his way to the front, Harry couldn't help but to get the subtle feeling that he'd seen the man before. He looked rather intelligent and insightful.

To Harry's surprise and the surprise of everyone, it was Ginny who approached the gentleman. She seemed to know him and he, her because upon seeing her, the gentleman shook her hand.

"Thanks for coming by," Ginny said, while shaking his hand.

"No problem," the man replied. "I got your letter and came right over. What seems to be the problem? But first I would like to congratulate the bride and groom on their becoming married." The gentleman walked over to Bill and Fleur, shook their hands vigorously while smiling. Bill was hesitant. He had no idea where his sister picked this bloke up, but he certainly wasn't staying long.

"In fact, I have a little present for the two of you," the man continued. "I had called up a few people that I know and, as a wedding present for the two of you, I am sending you on an all expense paid honeymoon to the Mandarin Oriental, Sanya. It's a little piece of tropical paradise right on the beach."

"Would you like a drink Mr.?" Bill inquired. His sister should bring her friends to family gatherings more often.

"No, thank you, and it's Dr. Phil McGraw," Dr, Phil said, smiling.

"Bloody hell!" Harry whispered, "it's Dr. Phil!"

"He just said that, Harry," Hermione hissed back.

As if Dr. Phil's introduction was reason enough, the wedding party seemed to welcome him with open arms. They offered him food and drink, chatted with the man even. This seemed to put Harry in an even worse mood. Not only was he feeling sorry for himself, now he felt betrayed by Ginny who never told him she was friends with Dr. Phil.

It wasn't until Harry saw Dr. Phil talking one on one with Ginny did he decide to take action on all his emotions. He even threw down his glass of punch in anger to let people know that he was on a mission. He was going to walk up to Ginny and demand an explanation for everything. Her piss poor attitude, her secret keeping, and her avoiding him the whole wedding.

Halfway across the dance floor and Ginny, Harry was stopped by his, as of now, meddlesome godfather.

"Harry, what are you up to?" Sirius asked.

"I am going to walk up to Ginny in a jealous rage and demand to know why she is acting the way she is when it's really me who is acting off," Harry replied.

Sirius opened his mouth to advise otherwise, then decided that he should let Harry learn his own lesson and backed down.

"Wotcher," Tonks greeted, as she approached the two. She had baby Teddy in her arms and Remus at her side. "What are you two up to?"

"Not mischief, I hope," Remus added.

"No, _I_ am going to walk up to Ginny in a jealous rage and demand to know why she is acting the way she is when it's really me who is acting off," Harry said for the second time. Because Harry felt his jealous rage dying, he pushed past Remus, Tonks and Sirius, continuing on his mission. He was only to be stopped by Hermione.

"It's not a good idea, Harry," she said knowingly.

"What isn't?"

"Whatever it is that you are going to do," Hermione said simply. "Which would be...?"

"I am going to walk up to Ginny in a jealous rage and demand to know why she is acting the way she is when it's really me who is acting off," Harry's voice was strained with lack of control. He wasn't going to take his unjust anger out on Hermione, so he rudely brushed her aside as well.

Harry had finally made it to where Ginny and Dr. Phil were talking. It was a serious, in depth discussion. Harry only caught a snippet of something about fear and death, which only tipped the pot of boiling lava for him. He cleared his throat, making his presence known.

"Harry," Ginny said nervously, wondering how much of her insecurities he heard. "What are you doing?"

"What am I doing?" Harry asked back, knowing from the Lifetime movies his aunt watched that it was a good way to let people know that you were mad. "I and walking up to you in a jealous rage and demanding to know why you are acting the way you are when it's really me who is acting off. Damnit! How many time do I have to say that/" Harry exploded.

"Now, let's back up for a second," Dr. Phil interjected. "Harry, I can see that you are angry, but it's not at Ginny, is it?"

"I am SO angry with Ginny," Harry insisted. He wasn't going to let some _uninvited Texan_ ruin this moment of complete disaster for him. "She has been avoiding me the whole wedding like we weren't together at all and when I try to talk to her, she explodes for no reason whatsoever."

"I've been avoiding you?" Ginny jumped in, "I'm not the one who's boozing it up with Victor Krum in the dark corner!"

"We were having a conversation, thank you very much!" Harry spat.

"Alright, I am stepping in between this fight right now. I am going to sit down with the two of you and we are going to put all the cards on the table," Dr. Phil said. Out of nowhere, three comfortable chairs, fit for talking, were strategically placed off to the side of the dance floor. Harry and Ginny sat facing each other and Dr. Phil sat between the two. It made Harry think that he was going to be acting as referee.

"Let's start with you, Ginny," Dr. Phil continued. "You contacted me last night asking me for help on an issue that I think Harry should hear."

"I knew you weren't mad because I didn't walk you back to your room! You don't fuss over petty stuff!" Harry said matter-of-factly.

"Okay!" Ginny accepted defeat, "I was mad because...well...I was mad because you said you loved me. There, I said it!"

"Why are you mad about that?" Harry felt his unjust anger churn into heartbreak.

"Well, I couldn't say it back and it's been haunting me since why."

"Is it because you don't love me when you think you do?"

"No, I do love you, really," Ginny fumbled. "I've waited years to hear you say those words to me, Harry, but with the war and my fear of losing you, I guess I couldn't say that I love you too."

"You just did," Harry half smiled. "I know I have to die in order to stop Voldemort, but I'll come back."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean , sure Dumbledore will give me the option to stay dead since my parents are dead, Cedric is dead, my mentor is dead, my godfather will be dead and so will Fred, Remus, and Tonks. I guess when the moment comes, I will have to really consider what I have to return to and well, I'll have you," Harry sighed deeply.

"Fred's going to die?" Ginny was on the brink of tears. "But I you said that was the old plotline!"

"It is!" Harry corrected himself, "don't worry, nobody dies in this story...they just get really big booboos."

"Now, that's one hurdle we've gone over," Dr. Phil stated. "Let's get over the other. Harry, you brought up having to kill Voldemort. Now, Ginny tells me that you feel you can't do that."

"That's because I can't!' Harry was hoping they wouldn't touch on this topic, but maybe he needed to hear the motivational speech that he could never quite hear from Ginny, from Dr. Phil.

"Why do you feel like you can't?"

"Because, well, it's killing someone. I've never killed a man before. I am so opposed to death, I spared the life of the man who betrayed my family. He thanked me by helping bring Voldemort back."

"Do you think that your being a constant eyewitness to death has put you afraid of being the cause of it?" Dr. Phil suggested. After a few minutes of think time, Harry nodded.

"I know it's Voldemort and he's killed many people, including my parents, but I just can't possibly begin to fathom the thought of ending it."

"Now, I always have believe, justified or not, murder is never the answer, but, like you, I have some futurely insight."

"What's that?" Harry and Ginny asked in unison.

"You're not going to kill Voldemort, but you will have a hand in his death."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry asked, thinking how he got a botched answer.

"I mean his spell is going to ricochet off your spell and hit him," Dr. Phil replied.

"So, really, he's going to kill himself? I can live with that," Harry nodded.

"I see here my work is done, so, I will leave you two at that," Dr. Phil stood up and walked off in the direction of which he came. It held a tone of obscurity to it.

"We should invite that guy to our wedding," Harry declared.

"Are you asking my to marry you, Harry Potter?" Ginny was practically having kittens.

Harry pause to think of the statement, that was meant for the walls of a thought bubble. He did love Ginny enough to marry her. His futurely insight did tell him that they were going to have three kids together, why not propose? Oh, that's right, he didn't have a ring.

"I think we should take that though, put it in out pocket, and save it for later," Harry kissed Ginny on the cheek, giving her a fit of giggles. She took his had and lead him on the dance floor where they danced for the rest of the night.

**AN: yes, it's finally over. As you all know, I don't own (forgot to put that at the beginning). Special thanks to Dr. Phil for agreeing to make an appearance in the chapter. Tune in to Chapter 7 when the trio start out on their journey that will have you saying, "you mothers!"**


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7 Attempts at Destiny

**AN: Dedicating this chapter again, to Kevin Fisher. He is the muse to this story. He and Viva Juanita. OH! And Matt Smith. He has inspired my story very much. Since I have received 3 revows (yes, I know I spelled reviews wrong) I have this fabulous, hilarious chapter for you! Don't own anything, I just rip it off.**

Harry and Ginny sat curled up on the couch in front of the fire. Their fingers were intertwined and they were peacefully enjoying each other's company. It was two weeks after the wedding. Bill and Fleur were off enjoying the honeymoon Dr. Phil had given them, Charlie had returned to Romania, and the Order had taken up the majority of the evenings at the Burrow.

Although the lovely scene described in the first two sentences would lead one to believe that there was nothing amiss in the Weasley household, there actually was a small battle existing between Mrs. Weasley and Harry, Ron , and Hermione. For the past week, the trio had been trying to run off to fulfill their Horcrux hunt, but Mrs. Weasley always seemed to be one step ahead of them, from barricading Ron and Harry in Ron's room for the night to covering all the doors leading outside in spiders (in which Ron refused to go near them).

The new plan was to wait a little while to give the illusion that Mrs. Weasley had won the battle. They were going to let her think that they will hang around for just a few days. Mrs. Weasley would let her guard down, then they would be out the door. Until that time came, Harry spent every little moment he could with Ginny. In the back of his mind, he found that the more time he spent with Ginny, the more at ease Mrs. Weasley seemed to be. Maybe she thought that the closer Harry got to Ginny, he wouldn't want to leave.

Harry had to admit, Mrs. Weasley was partially right. He didn't want to leave her. Not since Dr. Phil seemed to have closed the rift that was keeping them at arms length ever since they had gotten together. But he knew that leaving didn't matter. They would be together. His futurely insight told him so. He just needed time to look for the Horcruxes and end this war.

"When are you going to try and leave tonight?" Ginny's voice broke the romantic silence they had between them.

Harry stared into her eyes. He gathered the sudden thought that maybe, just maybe, Ginny was working for the man. He told her everything, much to Ron's distaste.

"Why do you want to know?" Harry chose his words carefully. If he didn't tell her and they managed to slip past Mama Bear, then Ginny was a spy. If they are still stopped, then she was completely innocent. The key is to not give into weakness and Harry had a tool to help him with that. He patted his pocket just to make sure it was still there. It was.

"Well, so I can say good-bye," Ginny said simply. She shifted a little, hoping Harry wouldn't get wise to her sneaky spy ways. Her mum promised her a puppy if she would use her charm to sucker information out of Harry.

True, she did feel bad about deceiving him, but she wanted her Harry by her side. Especially when Death Eaters take over Hogwarts.

"Oh, well...right now actually!" Harry suddenly piped up. The clock had just struck nine and, according to the plan, they were leaving at nine.

"What?" Ginny stammered, "you can't leave now! We're curled up here romantically by the fire!"

"I know," Harry started. It was time for his big distraction. "And before I leave, I want to ask you something."

"What?"

"Well, you know how at the wedding how we had that thought I told you to pocket?" Harry said softly, leaning closer to Ginny's face while pulling his secret weapon out of his pocket.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well, what are your thoughts on marrying me?" Harry flipped open the box, revealing a glistening diamond, four karats from what Ginny could see. She suddenly felt her chest tighten. She was 16! Way too young for such a commitment, but who said they had to get married right away? They could be like those couples who are engaged for six or seven years. Plus, the extra time would allow her to have her dream wedding. The one that she has been planning with Mr. Fluffalopagus since she was little.

"Well, OKAY!" Ginny squealed. Harry gently slipped the ring on her finger.

"Bye," he said delivering a quick peck on the lips before running outside.

Ginny whipped around to see why he went outside and saw Harry with Ron and Hermione, running off into the distance. She as certain that if she were to slow the scene down, throw the trio in bathing suits, and put them on a beach, they would look like they belonged on Bay Watch.

Ginny continued to stare out the window long after her brother, fiancee, and good friend had left. She felt her blood boil slightly whenever her thoughts drifted back to Harry. He proposed and then left, like that! She decided that she would un-accept Harry's proposal until he did it right. Unfortunately, he wouldn't be able to do that for awhile so, while she waited for Harry's return, Ginny decided to dust off her old princess dress-up wedding gown, just to make sure it fit for the wedding. She also ran up to the attic to fetch her box labeled "Childhood Dollies and Stuffed Animals". They were all invited to her wedding.

"Ginny! Where's your brother? I haven't seen him?" Mr. Weasley called from downstairs.

"He, Harry and Hermione left, Dad!" Ginny called back. How dare her father interrupted her wedding plans with his lack of knowing when his youngest son as well as his friends left to overthrow Voldemort. It's days like this where Ginny feels like she's the only one with half a brain in the family. Her brothers are so lost without her, they had to find wives! Of course, their wives could never do all the things she did for her brothers. They were just worthy enough substitutes.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slowed to a stop. They were out of breath from running from Ron's mum. They were in some back street in London, but Harry knew that they were close by Grimuald Place.

"Let's crash at Sirius' tonight," Harry suggested.

"I don't know Harry," Hermione said meekly. "Sirius could prevent us from leaving too."

"Nonsense! He'll encourage us."

"If you say so."

"C'mon, Hermione," Ron said, jumping into the conversation. "Sirius is cool. He won't be pulling any protective crap.

"Exactly!" Harry agreed. Hermione had no choice, but to give in.

"I am not encouraging this!" Sirius declared. The trio was standing in front of him in the sitting room after having ran off on their own. What happens if you are caught by Death Eater and Voldemort, being as ruthless as he is, tortures you to death? How am I going to explain that to your parents?"

"My parents are in Australia without memory of my existence so, it really won't matter to them," Hermione used her matter-of-factly tone, which ground on everyone's nerves.

"My mum will probably be upset...and my dad too," Ron admitted solemnly.

"My parents are dead so I can just tell them what happened myself when I see them in the afterlife," Harry said. Shortly after his comment, he frowned. He made dying and seeing his parents sound way too cheery. He had a wedding to look forward to.

"I'm not going to let you guys run off on your own. It's way too dangerous," Sirius stood by his statement.

"Dad would've let me go!" Harry exclaimed.

"No he wouldn't have!" Sirius shouted back.

"You are SO not my favorite godfather anymore!"

"I'm your only godfather so, it looks like you don't have choice," Sirius took a deep breath. Then ten step anger management program they made him take in Azkaban prevented him from losing his cool. _Shouting never provides progress._ The third step echoed in his ears and Sirius knew he had to be calm and firm.

"You are staying here for the night and will return to the Burrow tomorrow. Get to bed. Now."

Harry would have disobeyed, but realized that it wouldn't be good to leave his godfather on such a sour note. Since he knew they were just going to leave five minutes before his godfather woke up, he should let Sirius know how much he means to him.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me and I've always considered you my fatherly figure in life," Harry spun on his heel and marched angrily up the stairs to his and Ron's room, leaving Sirius in the sitting room to process the word that had just poured from Harry's mouth.

**AN: I made this one a little shorter after such a long chapter 6. Oh, I've been meaning to mention this, but haven't remembered until now. I am offering a reward to whoever answers the riddle: what's small and sits dangerously in a tree? The person(s) to get it right will have the last chapter dedicated to them. It will also be in the last chapter where the answer will be revealed to Ron. Please Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8 Valley of the Sun for Voldie's Soul

**AN: Don't own Potter. No particular dedications for this chapter. **

The trio woke the next morning, half an hour before Sirius was up. They quickly showered and ate breakfast. They all knew how pressed for time they were. If they didn't slip out before Sirius woke up, they would be dragged back to the Burrow and square one. Then, Harry would have to seduce Ginny all over again.

"I told you guys we shouldn't have come here, but no! Sirius is cool. He would let us go," Hermione said pointedly during the hushed breakfast.

"Shut up Hermione," Ron snapped. "Nobody likes a know it all."

"Well I'm sorry you can't figure out the obvious, Ron!" Hermione retorted, her voice rising.

"What does stating the obvious have to do with anything? Ron's voice was rising to match Hermione's.

Harry bit his lip as he pulled his lemon poppy seed muffin out of his ingenious oven that he bought in Diagon Alley. Now was not the time for another Hermione/Ron battle.

"Hey, you guys, Sirius is still asleep so can we keep it down so he can sleep?" Harry asked timidly.

"Oh, heaven forbid we wake Sirius Black!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Have you seen Sirius Black in a bad mood? Not pretty," Sirius said from the entrance to the kitchen. He was rubbing sleep out of his eyes, having been woken up by Ron and Hermione's bickering. He smiled mischievously to himself. He knew it would be a good idea to leave some of Fred and George's Bickering Butterbeer for the two to drink.

"Great. Now that Plan B has backfired, it's time to go back to the drawing board," Harry muttered. He shoved muffin into his mouth upon receiving a look from his godfather.

"So, looks like it's off to school for the lot of you," Sirius smiled, putting a frozen waffle into Harry's toaster. He had discovered the things when he was on the run from the Ministry and fell in love with the them. He made sure he had a hefty supply lying around the house. They were more or less, a guilty pleasure.

"Great going, Hermione," Ron muttered. Hermione just replied the statement with a vicious look.

"Sirius, could we possibly make a deal here," Harry was reaching a point of desperation. He was _not_ going back to the Burrow and starting over. The longer he stayed in one place, the easier it would be for Voldemort to catch up with him. Then, he would kill everyone that ever meant anything to him at all. "This will not due," he mumbled.

"A deal? What kind of deal?" Sirius mused, deciding to humor the boy.

"Well, you let us go and we will keep you informed of our whereabouts," Harry bluffed.

"What?" Ron and Hermione said in unison.

"Yeah, we'll keep you informed of where we are, but only if you let us go."

"Well, that's a good deal. In fact, I would have agreed to the deal."

"But?" Ron asked.

At that moment, the fire jumped to life and a furious Mrs. Weasley emerged from the green flames.

"I asked Molly to come by this morning," Sirius finished.

"You all better have some explaining to do," Mrs. Weasley had a dead calm voice that sent a shiver up everyone's spine.

"Can we explain after we're done with our mission?" Harry asked. "You see, we made a good deal with Sirius here, and he agreed."

"I said I _would have_ agreed, but I had already asked Molly to come by so, there was really no point."

"What was this deal?" Mrs. Weasley expertly raised an eyebrow.

"I–we, agreed that if you let us go, we will keep you posted on where we are," Harry repeated. He looked over at Ron and Hermione, who nodded in agreement, seeing their cue.

"No," Mrs. Weasley said curtly. She looked at Sirius standing by the oven that had mysteriously turned up overnight one night. "Sirius, what are you doing?"

"Waiting for my waffle to cook," he replied.

Harry froze. Sure, he didn't care if Sirius used his oven, but he did remember the storekeeper say something about waffles. Oh, wait that was just with frozen waffles. Sirius would never have frozen waffles. They were muggle goods.

"That's a waffle cooker?" Mrs. Weasley walked over to the oven, inspecting it with curiosity.

"Well, not exactly. You see, I have found a guilty pleasure in frozen waffles. The muggles make them and they are quite enjoyable," Sirius said.

"Frozen waffles? Did you just say f-fr-frozen waffles?" Harry stammered. His blood ran cold. He would have leapt and pulled the waffle from the cooking device, but the timer dinged, indicating that what was in the oven was fully cooked.

"NOOOOOOO!" Harry cried, putting himself between Sirius and the oven. His nose twitched as the scent of the contents of the oven wafted into the kitchen.

"What's that smell?" Mrs. Weasley asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Harry! You burnt my waffle," Sirius' face was stern.

"Why didn't you just toast the thing with your wand?" Harry asked, refusing to move away from the oven, despite Sirius' efforts.

"Because I wanted to use this neat little oven I found sitting here on the counter one day."

"It's not that great. I mean, it burnt your...waffle."

"No, _you_ burnt the waffle," Sirius grunted. For a scrawny kid, Harry sure knew how to make a stand.

"It's just a waffle! Go get another one!" Harry cried. He wasn't sue how long he could keep up the resistance.

"Why do you not want me to get that waffle?" Sirius asked, giving up.

"Maybe because, I want the waffle?" Harry knew it was a lost battle. "Because it's not a waffle anymore."

"What do you mean it's not a waffle anymore?' Hermione asked, lighting a candle. The stench from the oven was becoming too much.

"The storekeeper said that the oven is supposed to take ingredients of things and turn it into the product. If you put in a product..." He trailed off.

"Go on," Mrs. Weasley encouraged. She had resumed her cheery disposition.

"Well, you get...a toasted body part," the last bit of what Harry said was barely a whisper, but loud enough for Sirius to hear.

"WHAT! Where did you get something like that?" He demanded. In one good shove, he pushed his godson out of the way. Opening the oven, he saw a toasted human hand in place of his beloved waffle. He banished the hand and faced Harry again. "Well? Where did you find something like that?"

"It was in the window of a shop in Diagon Alley," Harry answered. He looked down a the ground shamefully. He imagined himself as a dog. A German Shepard, with his ears flat on his neck and his tail tucked so far under, her was trying to fit his bum under too.

"You found that in Diagon Alley?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah. Well, it was kind of in Knocturn Alley, but I saw it in the Diagon Alley side."

"I see."

"You're not going to get rid of it, are you?" Harry didn't want to see one of his prized possessions taken to the trash.

Sirius paced the kitchen, a stern frown stuck to his face. Harry watched Sirius go from wall to wall. He was obviously deep in thought since he walked into the kitchen table a couple of times. Harry could also tell when he was on the thoughts of his loving godfather because in the middle of pacing, Sirius would pause to look at him.

After 12 hours of pacing with four bathroom breaks, lunch, dinner, afternoon snack, a batch of brownies, and a lecture from the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius had finally come to a decision. "Alright, It can stay," he declared.

"Yes!" Harry punched the air in victory, knocking over the chair he was sitting in.

"Where did everyone go?" Sirius noticed that his once full kitchen of teens and Molly had diminished to just Harry.

"Oh, they went back to the Burrow," Harry said. "I just stayed behind to hear the fate of my precious oven that cooks pork chops to perfection."

"That's what you cooked the pork chops in?"

"Yeah."

"Huh, well, I guess you should head back over to the Burrow too."

"What about our deal?"

"Let the Order decide that," Sirius yawned. His legs were killing him. It was if he was walking all day. "In the meantime, I suggest you get some sleep. I know I am."

"Fine," Harry sighed. He went over to the fireplace and flooed back to the Burrow. It was almost eight and yet, the house was dark.

"Hello!" Harry called. When no response came, he feared that the house had been attacked by Death Eaters while he was gone. Harry began to frantically run up the stairs. He stopped on the first floor, tearing through Ginny's door. No one there. He launched himself at the stairs once more, his heart bursting out of his chest.

Harry was coughing and sputtering when he reached the top of the stairs where Ron's room was. He put his back to the wall, gasping for breath and wishing his chest would stop hurting. He slid down the wall slowly. It was too late. The Death Eaters probably killed everyone.

"Oy, mate, it's about time you got here," Ron said, poking his head outside his room, having heard someone on the stairs.

"Ron! You're alive!" Harry jumped up. Clapping his friend on the back.

"Uh, yeah, should I not be?"

"I thought that the house was attacked by Death Eaters," Harry explained, walking into the room. Hermione was sitting quaintly on Ron's bed, a book of maps was open on her lap.

"Why would you think the house was attacked by Death Eater?" Ron inquired.

"I dunno," Harry rubbed the back of his neck. "It was dark downstairs and Ginny wasn't in her room, so I just assumed."

"Harry, they're outside. Except for Ginny. She's in the attic, dusting off her boxes of childhood memories, muttering something about a wedding," Hermione frowned.

"Right. What's with the map book?" Harry said, changing the subject.

"I found this spell in one of the books you bought in Diagon Alley that can track down items that you are looking for," Hermione explained. "All we have to do is think about the Horcruxes and let the spell show us where in the world they are."

"Brilliant! Let's give it a go."

"We already have," Ron chimed in.

"And?"

"They're all in Phoenix Arizona. You know? The States?"

"You're joking?" Harry thought it was too good to be true, but then he thought of the dream he had about a month ago. "Wait, in the dream I had awhile ago, I saw Voldemort hiding all his Horcruxes in a chest. If the Horcruxes are all in Arizona, then they will all be in one spot."

"Exactly. We go to Arizona, find the Horcruxes, destroy them, come home, destroy Voldemort, and then take a well deserved vacation to the Bahamas," Ron declared.

"I second that plan," Harry agreed.

"How are we going to get to Phoenix?" Hermione asked. "We'd have to use muggle transportation which is awfully expensive."

"Not if you have the Dursley's credit card," Harry pulled out a rectangular piece of plastic out of his back pocket. "I figured after all the torture they put me through, I think the least they could to is finance out trip to the States."

"Well, that settles that," Ron yawned. "I say we get some sleep so that we're refreshed tomorrow morning when we leave."

"You three aren't going anywhere!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed, walking into the room.

"Mum! What are you doing here? How much did you here?" Ron stammered.

"I heard enough, Ronald Weasley."

"But, Mrs. Weasley, we're just going to Phoenix," Harry said.

"What for?"

"To, you know, get away for awhile. We won't be gone long. In fact we'll be back in a week I'm sure. It's just the Death Eaters are out to kill us and we think it would be a good idea to get out of town for a little relaxation," Harry explained. Ron and Hermione nodded vigorously beside him.

Mrs. Weasley looked between the three of them. It was as if her eyes were mind rays, peering into their very souls, looking for any signs of deception. Having not found any, she gave her reluctant consent. "You better be back in seven days," she warned before leaving the room.

Harry looked between Ron and Hermione before reaching into his pack and pulling out an Easy Button.

"That was easy," the button recited.

Harry Ron and Hermione were hit with a blast of 112 degree heat as they walked out of the heavily air conditioned Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. They stood out in the heat for ten minutes before seeking shelter in the lobby of the rental car area in the air port. Hermione bought them all a few bottles of water along with a bottle of aloe vera for Ron's rosy pink nose and sunscreen for the three of them.

"Bloody hell! It's so hot here!" Harry complained. He patted his raven black hair, half wondering is the heat his hair was absorbing could fry up an egg.

"Well, it's obvious now why Voldemort hid his Horcruxes here," Hermione gulped down half her bottle of water thirstily.

"We can't let this heat get to us, guys," Harry said, feeling his noble self possess his roasting body. "I say we split up and take a different part of the city. That way, we can cover more ground."

The trio picked up a map of the entire valley area. They discussed the different places where Horcruxes could be hidden. After a sandwich from Paradise and smoothie from Jamba Juice, they trio all took areas to comb through.

"I'll cover the Phoenix area," Harry said.

"I'll take suburban Tempe," Hermione said.

"I guess I'll cover the Gilbert/Mesa area," Ron said, slurping the remnants of his smoothie.

They all went into bathroom stalls and disapparated to their searching destinations, hoping to find something Voldemort related before the heat killed them.

**AN: Yes! The trio are in Phoenix (and yes, it does reach 112 there). Tune in the next few chapters for when we see all the mini adventures they have while looking for Voldemort's soul. Review! And don't forget to take a stab at the riddle: what's small and sit's dangerously in a tree? No one has gotten it yet although "a poison apple" from jewelthief500 was a very clever guess. Keep trying!**


	9. Chapter 9

Ch. 9 Harry's Adventure: Water World! Big Surf and Sun Splash

Harry milled around the streets of Phoenix. Well, actually, he was milling around the parks of Golfland. His inner child told him to look there and since he felt a strong connection to his parents when he was in touch with his inner child, Harry figured Golfland was a good place to look for Voldemort's soul. Harry decided to inconspicuously play miniature golf just to hide his search in case there were Death Eaters about.

For the most part, the golf holes were empty. Although it was no surprise. Harry wouldn't be out in 110 degree weather (it was two degrees cooler than at the airport) playing golf. In fact, after some four holes, he gave up, deciding that there were no Horcruxes in the mini golf part of Golfland.

Crossing that off his list, Harry moved onto the Go Kart part of the amusement park. Like golf, Go Karts weren't the happening place. There were some people with small children standing in line, waiting to ride the smelly, sputtering cars, including Harry. He waited in line for about ten minutes before the operator, a bored looking guy that was probably working a summer job, started to assign people to cars.

While waiting, Harry happened to notice the insane amount of children and babies there were in the Valley of the Sun. It almost made him want to not have children, but since he was the last surviving Potter, it was his duty to keep the family going. Maybe he'll be like the Weasleys and have hoards of sons.

"Hey mister!" a little girl called to Harry. She looked about seven years old and had her blonde hair in pigtails. As Harry looked down at her, he noticed how vibrant her blue eyes were and was suddenly intimidated.

"Yes?" Harry asked, trying to act casual. This could be Voldemort in disguise after all.

"What happened to your head?" The little girl pointed to the lightning shaped scar on his forehead.

"Uh, car crash," Harry replied.

"Really? When?"

"When I was little."

"How little?"

"One year."

"And you're still alive? I don't think that's possible! I think you're a ghost."

"If I were a ghost, then how is it that I managed to grow older," Harry pointed out cooly. Nosy children with oblivious parents annoy him when its unbearably hot outside.

"Your voice is funny," the little girl continued.

"That's because I'm not American."

"What are you then?"

"English."

"What are you doing in Phoenix?"

"I'm on vacation," Harry lied.

"By yourself?"

"No, I'm with my friends."

"Where are they?"

"Somewhere else in the city." Harry stared at the girl, wondering why he wasn't enjoying the wind in his face, driving a dinky little car around a curvy track. He looked at the kid who was operating the ride and saw that some _mother_ was making a hassle out of one of the cars. This was a major setback. Harry still had the water parks to search.

"Hey mister?" the little girl called Harry's attention back to her.

"What?"

"What's your name?"

"Harry."

"Harry what?"

"Potter."

"Oh, I'm Jessie."

"Hello."

"Hey mister Harry Potter?"

"What now?" Harry's temper flared, but Jessie didn't falter.

"Will you go with me to the water park?" Jessie asked.

"Where are your parents?"

"The water park."

"Shouldn't you be with them?"

"No, I'm a grown-up. I can do whatever I want," Jessie folded her arms in front of her chest in a way that reminded Harry of Ginny. For a brief moment, he missed the fierce red head, but then the moment passed and the feeling was gone.

"If you're all grown up, then why can't you go over there on your own?" It was Harry's turn to cross his arms in front of his chest.

"Well, I can't cross the street on my own silly! My older sister took me across the street here. She wanted to see her boyfriend. He works at the mini golf stand," Jessie explained, pointing across the way to the mini golf park.

"And you need me, a complete stranger from a foreign land to escort you back?" Harry looked at the girl with a loss for words. "Did you fail the Stranger Danger class your elementary school had you take?"

"Of course not! I passed with flying colors!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING A COMPLETE STRANGER FROM A FOREIGN LAND TO TAKE YOU ACROSS THE STREET?" Harry finally shouted. He had heard the last straw. Sure, he followed a giant from a remote cabin the Dursleys rented to London, but that was different. Hagrid had ties to his parents, showing that he was a trustworthy guy. But this was a completely different story. Harry took the time to appreciate for the little girl that he _wasn't_ a Death Eater. That would be bad news for her.

"Because my sister is busy and you're my friend!" Jessie shouted back, unscathed or shaken by Harry's outburst. "Now, are you going with me, or do I have to walk across the street to the water park all by myself and be kidnaped? It would be all your fault for saying no."

Harry caved. She obviously knew his weakness for watching out for the little guy. Reluctantly, he took the little girl's hand and walked out of line for the Go Karts. To give himself peace of mind, Harry figured it would be way too obvious for Voldemort to have hidden his soul there, being as it was an asphalt track and all.

Harry begrudgingly trudged to the water park, while Jessie skipped by his side. Since they were holding hands, Harry's walk was off. He would straighten and then slump down when Jessie would bounce up and down.

"How do you find the energy to skip in this heat?" Harry groaned, wiping beads of sweat from his forehead.

"It's just a matter of getting used to the heat. I've lived here all my life, so I'm used to it. You just came here, so you're going to die of heat stroke," Jessie replied simply while humming "Skip to My Loo."

"Are you sure you're not a Death Eater in disguise?" Harry narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"What's a Death Eater?"

"Nevermind. Just forget I mentioned it."

By this time, the two had arrived at the entrance to Water World. Jessie showed the lady in the window her season pass and Harry paid for a day's admission. After they had passed, Jessie lead Harry to the locker area for him to put his stuff in. This was a bizarre concept to Harry since all the days he went to the pool with the Dursleys, _he _ was the locker.

It must have been an odd sight, seeing this little girl skip around the park, standing in line for slides with this teenage guy who was obviously not related to the girl. However, Harry didn't care about what other people thought. He was having the time of his life. He spent a couple hours at Water World with Jessie before hopping over to Big Surf.

Of course, Harry would remind Jessie that he was just with her until they found her parents. Whenever he said this, however, she seemed to steer him off into a different direction. Compete in the surfing contest, ride down the big slide again, and inner tube down the Lazy River. Each ride they went on, Harry felt more sure of one of two things: Jessie either had no family and was really lost, or she didn't want to go back to her parents because she had a new British toy that was in mint condition.

It was around 4:30 when Harry had to step up as a mature, of age wizard and lay down the law. He surprisingly had a lot of fun with Jessie, more than he had ever had in his entire life, but he was on a mission. He didn't have time to go on play dates with a little girl that everyone thought he was babysitting.

"Uh, Jessie?" Harry asked when they were sitting in the shade, sipping on lemonade slushies. "We really need to find your parents now. It's getting late and I'm sure they are worried sick about you."

"How old are you?" Jessie asked, avoiding the question.

"17, but that's not the point," Harry continued.

"What are you doing halfway around the world with no friends and no parents?"

"I told you, my friends are elsewhere in the city."

"What about your parents?" Jessie took a big gulp of lemonade, awaiting a response.

Harry stared into Jessie's blue orbs. He didn't want to answer her questions anymore. Especially not that one. Although it was easy to talk about his dead parents to anyone in the wizarding world. They knew James and Lily Potter were dead, but not Jessie. She didn't know his dark past, his troubling date with destiny that was approaching too fast for him to keep up with.

"They passed away," Harry said. Jessie merely blinked. She bounced the statement off like it was nothing. Harry supposed that when you're seven and had parents, it was nothing.

"That sucks," she said. "My parents would never die and leave me all alone."

"They didn't do it on purpose!" Harry's temper flared once more. "Now, we're going to find your parents right now. So, get up, and get your things." Harry stood up. Suddenly taken aback by his authority, Jessie did as she was told.

Harry took Jessie by the hand and had her lead him to where her parents were. They walked against the traffic of people that were heading to the exit. Harry followed her as they walked into this small building that has a sign reading "Employees Only." She knocked on the door.

"Hey Jessie! Who's your friend?" Asked the man who opened the door. He was dressed in red and had the familiar Lifeguard outfit on.

"Daddy!" Jessie jumped into the arms of the man. He laughed as Jessie scrambled onto her father's back.

"This is my friend," she said simply.

"Well, I can see that, Jess. I've seen you around the park with him, but who is he."

"Harry Potter, sir," Harry held out his hand in greeting to Jessie's father.

"Joel," the man replied, taking Harry's hand. "A long way from home, are we?"

"He said he's here with his friends, but I haven't seen them all day!" Jessie say from her perched point.

"They're elsewhere in the city," Harry replied sheepishly.

"I hope the heat wasn't too much for you." Joel said jokingly. "By the way, thanks for looking after my little girl here. She likes to take off all over the park when me and my wife are on duty. Thankfully, we have the security guards here, watching her like a hawk wherever she goes."

"No problem, although I think she needs a lesson or two in talking to strangers," Harry said honestly.

"We tell her that all the time, but she doesn't seem to listen to us."

"I told you dad! I'm psychic!" Jessie jumped down from her father's back, pouting.

"Jess, people can't see into the future," Joel said to his daughter.

"Yes they can! I hang around the people I have visions about."

Harry shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't sure what to think about what Jessie said. It was completely possible, but probable? He would have to ask Hermione. But until he did meet up with Hermione, he should prod the matter further, see what he could find out. She was no Trelawny, but even the divination teacher had her moments.

"That's interesting. Why do you only hang around the people that you have visions about?" Harry asked politely. Joel gave him a look as if telling him not to push the issue.

"Well, because I want to see how close they are to their fate, duh!" Jessie shifted from one foot to another. Harry gathered that she did this when she was impatient.

"Name one example this has happened?" Joel asked, trying to get his daughter to drop the matter, for good.

"Well, today, when I saw Harry I suddenly had a vision of him talking with these people in weird clothes, I think they were his parents. The guy looked just like Harry," Jessie explained. "There was also this really old guy and he had this long beard and his clothes had stars all over them. There was this bright green light, a high cold laugh and a creepy voice saying "_He who knows the power the Dark Lord knows not,"_ and then it ended."

Harry stood there staring at Jessie. His face was stalk white with shock. He wasn't sure of what to make of her 'vision' it certainly could beat out anything Trelawny had ever said. Harry opened his mouth to say something but and obnoxious noise hit his ears and he faintly heard the words, "Golden Trio, ASSEMBLE!"

"Well, that was insightful," Harry said quickly. "It was nice meeting the two of you and I hope you enjoy your evening. I should get back to my friends now." Harry hastily shook hands with Joel before taking off, looking for someplace to disapparate.

He was about 100 feet from the employee hut when Jessie called him back.

"What's the power the Dark Lord knows not?" She called.

"Love," Harry called back before running off again. He didn't fail to notice the flabbergasted look Joel gave his daughter. Harry had a feeling he was going to believe her whenever she said she had a vision for then on out.

**AN: alright guys, sorry this took so long to post, I was on vacation. To make up for you having to suffer "To Kill a Riddle With Style" withdrawls, here's 3 chapters. Don't forget to review or send in your answer to the riddle: what's small and sits dangerously in a tree. The winner get's the final chapter dedicated to them!**


	10. Chapter 10

Ch. 10 Hermione's Adventure: The Battle of Stratum

Hermione threw her back to the wall, panting for breath. She wasn't quite sure what she had gotten herself into. What seemed like a good idea had turned into an intense battle that she feared she'd loose. She'd already been shot three times and had only two bits of life left before she was out for good.

"How you holding up?" A boy around her age asked, diving behind the barrier Hermione had her back to.

"This is really intense for a harmless game," Hermione commented.

The boy laughed, "that's the spirit of it all! Now, we just have to get close enough to their base to figure where we could possibly infiltrate it and take down their flag."

"It's in the very right corner," Hermione said, using her know-it-all tone since she wasn't sure why it was so hard to see where the opposing team would run to for sanctuary. "Their flag is probably inside the barrel. At least, that's where I would put the thing."

"Smart thinking!" the boy commended. "Are you sure you've never done this before?"

"Laser tag? No. I've never played laser tag, but I have done a few things similar." Hermione said, thinking back to when she broke into the Ministry of Magic.

"Well, you keep at it, I'll round up the second quadrant and talk invasion."

"The best way in is to have Macy distract the watch guard on the left since the two seem to fancy each other. Then, we can use the weak point as the quickest path to the barrel," Hermione said, she was actually growing bored of the predictability of the battle. Her teammate nodded, trusting her insight and tumble out of his hiding spot.

Hermione stayed rooted to the spot. She needed to finish this game and return to her Horcrux hunt. She was certain that if Harry and Ron knew that she was playing laser tag at the world's largest laser tag arena, Stratum, they would be furious. Quite frankly, she was furious with herself for letting herself get caught up in this game. Entertaining as it was, it was a distraction. A distraction that Hermione figured would be perfect for hiding Horcruxes. Anyone who was trying to find them would be distracted by the intensity of the game that they forget to look for the soul fragments.

It was clever on Voldemort's part, but not clever enough to get the best of Hogwart's brightest student, receiver of 10 O's on her O.. No, Hermione saw right through the plan. She was playing a game within a game.

Forgetting about laser tag, Hermione began to sneak around the arena, looking for other hiding spots that weren't concealing flags or holograms of flags. The difficult task was to avoid being hit by the opposing laser tag team. They wouldn't bother if they saw her moving away from the flag, but the more she moved away from the post, Hermione noted the increased intensity of Red Team members.

Being a Blue Teamer, Hermione had to wonder if they were A) Death Eaters, or B) guarding the actual location of the flag and set up an elaborate decoy. Just like when Voldemort planted an image of Sirius being tortured in Harry's mind.

Hermione, turning away from her mission once more to focus on the game, hardened her face. She knew her teammates were heading for disaster when they try to storm the mock base and she was too deep in enemy territory to run back and warn them. She would have to carry on alone, like Owen Wilson in "Behind Enemy Lines."

She quickly dove behind a wall, concealing the middle of her gear which showed her team color. She scouted out a good target point of infiltration. Hermione made a mental note to tell Ron and Harry about her side trip. Even though they'll be mad about her getting distracted, she would point out how all this laser tag really sharpened her strategy skills.

Seeing an opening of advancement, Hermione stealthily dodged to her next safe point. It wasn't as safe as her small barrier by the wall, but from her new point, Hermione could catch a glimpse of where the _real_ flag. All she had to do was pick it up and carry it back over to the Blue Team's base. Of course, everything is easier said than done.

She checked to see if there was no one coming for her last advancement before retrieving the flag when Hermione Granger locked eyes with a girl from the Red Team. She tried to shoot her with her laser gun, but the girl got her first. Hermione was not only down to one bar of metaphorical life, but she was down for the count for a whole 60 seconds. Within those 60 seconds, the Red Team managed to surround her.

It was a lost battle. Hermione looked around her captors and saw a few of her own teammates. She saw that half of them were going to make a stand for her, lead be the boy she was speaking with earlier. The other half was going to go for the flag. A good idea if it had not been for the fact that Hermione could see the group of the Red Teamers crouched behind a barrier, anticipating an attack.

In the final seconds of Hermione's freeze time, she had a flashback to her first year when Harry and Ron were stuck, squirming in a patch of Devil's Snare. She even heard Ron shouting at her for, in a state of panic, forgetting that she was a witch and didn't need wood to start a fire.

It was at that moment where Hermione realized something. She was a _witch_! Of course she knew that, but because she had to dig back to her muggle-born roots, Hermione slipped out of touch with her witch self and lost track of the wand she had tucked away in her pocket. Of course, she would never use it, but who said you need a wand to perform magic?

Looking down at her timer, Hermione had made a decision. "_Confundo_," she muttered under her breath while looking at the players hidden from view. Her timer went up and she came back to 'life' but was shot down immediately after, losing all her points. Hermione was out but the victory was short lived when the Red Team saw the Blue Team take off with their flag.

Hermione walked cooly out of the arena. She gathered her things from the locker and was met by her fellow team members, who were celebrating a joyous victory. They were clapping each other on the back and saying something about root beer floats. Hermione paid them no attention. She felt a little guilty using magic on those muggles, but the moment called for a desperate action. It was a harmless little charm anyways.

She waited until the noisy group left the locker room before she advanced to the lobby. She hoped to catch up with Ron to see if he was any more successful than she, or if he'd been distracted too. She knew Harry wasn't going to get side tracked, he was a man on a mission and no one can divert his attention.

It was just before Hermione left the building when she was stopped by the boy she kept running into the arena. They had made quick acquaintances before, but she figured it was only until the game was over. Yet, here he was. Without all his laser tag gear, the boy was rather handsome. Strong built, most likely played a muggle sport, almond shaped caramel eyes and a square face. His sandy blonde hair was spiked with the aid of product, but unlike most people in the Phoenix area, he seemed to lack the bronzing skin. It wasn't pale, just slightly tinged with the rays of the fiery inferno that she would bake in.

"Hello," Hermione said plainly. Her friendship with this boy was going to be reaching an end and she could end it like Casablanca, mutual, or she could end it like Old Yeller, by taking this dog down tearfully. She preferred the Casablanca approach,

"I saw what you did back there," the boy said softly. He looked at her in awe, which was weird since Hermione didn't even know his name, nor he hers.

"What do you mean?" Hermione shifted uncomfortably. He couldn't have know about the spell.

"You sacrificed yourself to make sure my laser tag team's undefeated record holds strong. But at the same time, you didn't know that we are undefeated, did you?"

"No. I just figured there was no point in saving myself when there's a greater cause at hand."

"What's your name?"

"Hermione," Hermione preferred the Casablanca approach but there was something beautiful about the end of Old Yeller.

"I'm Brian," the boy returned.

"Hello Brian," Hermione was about to say something else when she heard in the distance, "Golden Trio, ASSEMBLE!"

"I have to go," she said simply, it was a Casablanca ending after all. She turned to leave so she could disapparate to the calling when Brian grabbed her arm and pulled her toward him, kissing her fiercely.

"If you're ever in the Gilbert area, look me up," Brian said breathlessly. He let her go and walked out of the building to his awaiting friends. Hermione was left stupefied, wondering where she was and why Brian wasn't Ron.

**AN: as you can probably guess, the next adventure is Ron and we shall learn who is summoning the Golden Trio. Stay tuned!**


	11. Chapter 11

Ch. 11 Ron's Adventure: Dancing Queen...King

Ron huffed in frustration. It was hotter than Satan's toenails, his face was aching with sunburn and everytime he took a breath he was just reminded of the mellow summer climates of home. There's a reason why England was cloudy and cool all the time. That's the temperature where everyone's happy. He couldn't believe people actually _lived_ in this kind of heat. It was unreal. What's worse: no one in Phoenix, well, Gilbert, had ever seen a flake of snow in their lives!

As the miserable ginger trudged on, passing some school called 'Highland High School: where Hawks soar!' Ron felt a familiar gurgle in his stomach. He didn't eat lunch since at the time he actually cared about the war ending and finding all the Horcruxes. Now that he had given up entirely for the sake of his own selfish needs, Ron took on a new mission: find someplace where he can eat.

It was another hour before Ron stumbled across a n interesting building with a giant mouse on it. At this point in time, the young Brit was in the stages of heat exertion and thought the mouse was meat and the name of the establishment 'Chuck E Cheese's' meant that it was someplace where he could have a bite.

Ron stumbled into the building, immediately being blasted with a shocking wave of cold air. He couldn't help but to stand in the was of the door, paralyzed with relief of cold air, an expression of bliss graced his face. He dully noted the people that brushed passed him, looking on with concern, but they didn't matter. All that mattered was this building was a break from the unbearable heat and he was never going to leave.

Deciding to finally step out of the doorway, Ron made his was over to a table. A waitress came over to take his order. This 'Chuck E Cheese's' joint was a pizzeria. Ron ordered a large meat lover's pizza because Ron Weasley LOVED meat. He remembered his days at Hogwarts where he would make a breakfast out of sausage links, with a small spoonful of eggs to silence Hermione.

Hermione.

A sudden pang of some emotion Ron couldn't fathom, but it seemed to be a mixture of guilt and worry, surged through him. There he was, sitting in an air conditioned building, awaiting a delicious meat pizza pie and guzzling down some muggle drink called Coke, while Hermione was out in the blazing heat, probably dying while looking for Horcruxes. Ron's ears burned at the thought of what she would say to him if she knew he was sitting around doing nothing.

Because Ron was never one for metaphors, he stood up declaring that he will not rest until the restaurant was turned upside down, inside out, and outside in, looking for Horcruxes. He received the glares of mothers who were celebrating a birthday at the table next to him. It was at that moment that Ron took a look at his environment.

It was obviously a place for kids. There were four birthday parties commencing in the facility. The biggest one was for a little girl turning two. Aside from the tables, there was a massive area filled with interesting muggle machines that Ron gathered was for play. He made a mental note to search and destroy every single one of the 'toys'. In the middle of the playground, there was a massive jungle gym, complete with a ball pit that, Ron was certain, was the biggest ball pit the nation has ever seen.

Ron would have made a few more observations about the place, but his large pizza came and he was overcome by his hunger and dove into the pie, piled high with various pepperoni's and sausages. It wasn't very good, but for Ron, taste wasn't necessarily everything. As long as the grease and Coke was there to help the food slide down his throat, he was satisfied.

It took Ron 15 minutes to finish the entire pizza. He sat back in his chair, pleasantly full and washed down the taste of cardboard and grease with the last of his soda. Using a sugar packet as a toothpick, Ron fished out the bits of processed meat from his teeth. Well, it was just the one tooth actually, but all the same, it seemed to always have something in it. When the sugar packet's purpose was fulfilled, Ron made sure to return it where he had found it in the little dish with the other sugar types.

"Time to begin my search!" Ron declared, standing up and making a bee line for the play area. Looking around, the ginger wasn't sure which to search and destroy first. In fact, he wasn't sure if he wanted to destroy the devices. They looked like fun. Once again, he was filled with confusion, similar to the confusion he felt when he contemplated the answer to the riddle Harry gave him. It wasn't a baby Death Eater, or a baby Voldemort. Maybe it was a baby in a cradle, teetering perilously above the ground.

In order to clear Ron's confusion, he thought about what Hermione would do if she were in his position. She would most likely want to look around the place, devise a search plan and follow through with the plan. Ergo, Ron would do the exact same thing.

While milling around, a device with bright flashing lights and music playing from it, caught Ron's attention. He approached the thing with caution. There were kids playing on it, commencing in some form of a duel since the screens showed them doing the exact same thing. The one on the left was doing better than the one on the right, but what happens when the duel is over?

Of course, it could hardly be called a duel. The two kids where stomping on arrows that, Ron gathered, corresponded with the arrows shown on the screen. They weren't facing each other, or fighting for remotely anything.

"Muggles are strange," Ron concluded. "But, my dad would love to hear about this." he approached the machine for further inspection. He then looked around the device for any signs of dark magic. There weren't any.

"Do you want to play?" One of the kids asked, tired of seeing the seemingly clueless teen, circle around the DDR machine like he'd never seen one before.

"Sure," Ron nodded. He stepped on the platform where the defeated had once stood. the boy that spoke to him took a few Galleon-looking coins out of a nearby bucket and put them into the machine. It sprang to life.

"Pick a song," the boy commanded.

"Well, I don't know how to play."

"You have got to be kidding me!" the boy threw his arms in the air. The guy had an accent, he must be from a foreign country. Probably from Russia, where there was no Dance Dance Revolution.

Annoyed, the boy scrolled to an easy song: "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun." It was a beginner's song, even though the boy currently held Chuck E Cheese's DDR Champion title. He would try to go easy on the Russian.

"Just follow the patterns on the screen with your feet on the dance floor. Think you can handle that, Gingernut?"

"Yeah," Ron mumbled. This kid was being rather rude. Stupid muggle.

It didn't take long for Ron to realize he was facing a master at whatever this game was. He was in over his head and was going to be shown up by some punk muggle. Nobody makes a Weasley look like a fool. Nobody.

With a hardened expression, Ron stepped, shuffled and kick ball changed his pants off. At the end of the first round, he was almost caught up in points to the boy. However, this wasn't good enough for him. He was going to put the little punk in his place. He'll show him that wizards are just as light on their feet, if not more.

Hours had passed and both players were weary with all their dancing. The boy was surprised that the Russian newbie could dance. But this didn't frighten him. He also held the most recent record for most hours spent on a DDR machine: six hours.

As for Ron, he was exhausted, but two years of grueling Quidditch training gave him the endurance he needed to survive. He was glad asthma didn't run in his family. Keeping up with the little bloke would have been very difficult with the inability to breath.

As for the facility, a crowd had gathered around the dueling dancers. Of course, Troy, the little boy, was more or less a celebrity around the area for his world record and being the DDR Champion. It looked to everyone that the boy had finally met his match: a tall ginger from England. Since the staff at Chuck E Cheese's was beaten by Troy, they made a little fan group for the Brit. Since they didn't know his name, they just called him 'British Ginger'. The manager, hoping that British Ginger would win, made a crown with the words 'Dancing King' written across it.

The kids of the business, in defiance to the adults, who were rooting for British Ginger, started rooting for Troy. The kid was a little bossy and arrogant, but he was an idol for children in the entire Mesa/Gilbert area. His MySpace page had 50 'friends'. Some of the 'friends' were from Suburban Tempe! Troy was legend and the kids wanted to make sure he stayed a legend and wasn't shown up by some Russian.

"Isn't Great Britain next to France and not in Russia?" one of the older kids asked the kid around his age next to him.

"Hey, if Troy said the guy's Russian, then Great Britain is in Russia," the other kid replied. The two nodded in agreement and went back to watching the battle.

Back on the dance floor, Ron and Troy were forced into a final Sudden Death Round. The song of choice: Cotton Eyed Joe. It was fast, intense, and separated the twinkle toes from the real dancers.

The boys were practically in sync with their moves. This was not acceptable in Ron's book so he threw in some pelvic thrusts and shimmies, creating a style that was all his own. If Hermione could see him now, a dancing machine! In fact, Ron was so into his dance moves, he didn't see Troy put his foot out. Ron tripped. As he felt himself fall to the ground, he felt the burn of humiliation, defeat, and disappointment. Hitting the ground was merely a scrape to the pain that came with letting down the people.

Nobody makes a fool of a Weasley. Nobody!

Ron quickly scrambled off the ground in time to slam the right arrows with his hands. Since he didn't have time to get back on his feet again, Ron surprised himself with his abilities by doing a handstand and continuing to dance on his hands. Troy seemed to be surprised too because he missed a few steps. In a panicked frenzy, Troy tried to regain his composure and groove, but it was too late. The song was ending and Ron had racked up too many points.

Accepting defeat, Troy burst into a fit of tears and ran to the comfort of his mother's arms. Ron finished out the song and flipped aback onto his feet. His head was swimming from being upside down for so long, but he didn't care. He was a hero. He couldn't help but wonder if this was what Harry felt occasionally when he was in a crowd after he fought off Voldemort. Most likely not. Harry was too modest for that, but Ron felt he deserved his five minutes of fame.

"Let's hear it for the British Ginger!" The manager exclaimed, crowning Ron with his hand made Dancing King crown.

"My name is Ron," Ron corrected the man.

"Let's hear it for the British Ginger, Ron!" the manager corrected himself. The crowd gave him three cheers as well as granted him a free pizza everytime he came to Chuck E Cheese's from then on out, which was good for Ron since he didn't have any muggle money, let alone American muggle money.

The crowd dispersed, returning to their lives, leaving Ron to resume his search for Horcruxes. He decided that he wouldn't destroy the DDR machine. It was a monument, after all. He began to mill around the play area he learned was called and 'arcade'. Some of the birthday parties had left, but others had taken their place.

A half an hour had passed and Ron had yet to destroy a single game. He searched all of them, he even crawled through the crowded jungle gym, but with no results. Maybe something will happen if he just started blowing shit up. He pulled put his wand and pointed it at random games, wondering which to obliterate first. It was in the middle of his deep breath did Ron feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Turning around slowly, his eyes met the ball pit. If was filled with screaming children, truly a sight to behold and fear. It was in that moment that Ron knew: the Horcruxes were in the ball pit.

Ron acted quickly, pulling out a VuVuzela from the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa, and blew into the obnoxious sounding horn.

"Golden Trio, ASSEMBLE!" Ron cried, his voice resonating all over the valley. He went back to his table, ordered another pizza, pepperoni this time, a pitcher of the Coke stuff and waited for Harry and Hermione to show up.

**AN: Don't forget to review! Please! I really would like to hear from you! stay tuned for chapter 12 where the trio will reunite and venture into the ball pit of doom for horcruxes!**


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12 Ball Pit of DOOM!

**AN: this chapter is dedicated to Team Starkid. Break a leg at Infinitus!**

Harry met up with Hermione at the entrance of Chuck E Cheese's. they both nodded in greeting and stared up at the cartoon mouse dressed in a ridiculous outfit.

"This is where we've been assembled to?" Hermione wrinkled her nose in disgust. "This has Ron written all over it."

"Well, it is Ron who carries the magic Vuvuzela," Harry reasoned. "Let's put our best face forward and hope for the best."

The two walked into the building and, like Ron, was hit with the gift from above. No, not children. Air conditioning.

"It's so wonderful!" Harry cried, lifting his hands to the heavens.

"Eh, I was just indoors anyways," Hermione shrugged.

Harry rounded on her, "you were? What did you find? Any leads?" he looked at her earnestly. Since he was following a young seer all day, he had no chance to look for Horcruxes and was now depending on his friends to do the dirty work for him.

"No," Hermione replied solemnly. "I got distracted playing laser tag and then there was this guy..."

"Laser tag? Sounds like fun. Wait, what boy? I thought you were totally into Ron, but not in the creepy obsessive way like Bella and Edward," Harry frowned. After spending an entire day with a girl, women were still a mystery to him.

"I am, but...I don't know! He was all tannish and blonde and he had dessert eyes and the way he spoke it was like he was thoroughly convinced that I was the one he had been waiting for all his life and I felt the same, but I was thinking about Ron!" Hermione stammered. It was one of those moments that she thought was a good idea to say something, but later felt like she should have just kept her mouth shut.

"Oh, okay. I guess if you were thinking about Ron, then it's like you imagined the guy was Ron," Harry frowned. H couldn't say much more without breaking the Code of Man and telling the girl his best mate was totally in love with that he was totally in love with her. "Let's go find Ron."

"Hey!" Ron called from his table, waving his hand at his two friends. That magic Vuvuzela worked wonders. He should use it more often. Harry and Hermione walked over to him. They had puzzled looks on their faces.

"Ron, what are you doing here?" Hermione asked, sitting down at the table.

"Well, we've been working hard all day and I thought that all our hard work should be paid off with pizza and this fizzy lifting drink called Coke," Ron replied. He poured his friends generous amounts of soda and handed them a slice of pizza. Harry noticed that when Ron tilted the slice toward him, the grease would drip off the tip.

"Thanks Ron, may I ask?" Harry pointed at the crown on Ron's head.

"Oh, right, uh, funny story! You see I was on a search and destroy mission in that arcade place over there," Ron pointed at the playground. "And I encountered a DDR machine. So, I danced on it against this kid and I won! The people that work here gave me this here crown."

"You were distracted too huh?" Harry shook his head with disapproval. He was certain his friends would pick up the slack, but the old saying, "if you want something done, you have to hire new friends to replace the old ones.

"What do you mean too?" Ron frowned, wiping the grease off his fingers.

"Hermione got distracted by some secret romance. The guy has a laser tag team. The ultimate definition of 'not cool enough for Harry Potter, aka, me, to know.'"

"WHAT!" Ron jumped to his feet, his face livid and cherry red. "Hermione! We're supposed to be looking for Horcruxes, not cheap boyfriends!"

"As a matter of fact, I _was_ looking for Horcruxes. Unlike you, Mr. Dancing King!" Hermione retorted.

"Alright guys, this ends now!" Harry said, intervening. "Look, I think we all got a little distracted today. I'll admit, even I was distracted, but I think we all got a little something out of our adventure." He took a deep breath. Even now, three weeks since his visit, Harry has taken Dr. Phil's words to heart. "Ron, you've already said what you've gotten out of your adventure, Hermione why don't you go next?"

"Oh we already know what she's been doing," Ron scoffed. "She's probably been snogging some nerdy American boy who lives in his mum's basement."

"Oh you're right on the money with that Ron! I've just been snogging all day long!" Hermione said sarcastically.

"Since when does laser tag equal snogging?" Harry wondered, trying to mentally put the two together. It wasn't working.

"Thank you Harry. I was playing laser tag and I learned some great tools by means of strategy." Hermione said. "It wasn't much of a romance either. He just kissed me and told me to look him up if I'm ever in Gilbert. It's not like I wanted him to kiss me or anything. In fact, I was kind of wishing he were you," Hermione trailed off.

"Why?"

"I don't know, maybe because I kind of like you...a lot," Hermione's voice was barely audible, but loud enough for Ron to hear.

"I kind of like you a lot too," the ginger replied. He met Hermione's eyes and they both smiled, blushing.

Meanwhile, Harry was doing a happy dance because the Great Ron Hermione Battle was over. This called for a celebration. Harry called the waitress back over and ordered an ice cream sundae...for himself. Years of working on getting his friends together by doing absolutely nothing had just paid off and he deserved a treat for it.

"Well, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about my adventure!" Harry exclaimed.

"Go for it," Ron agreed.

"Well, I escorted a young seer all over Golfland and took her to her parents who work as lifeguards at the park."

"A seer? Really Harry? You know I don't believe in that," Hermione replied, showing that she was still a skeptic of the fortune telling ability.

"Then how did she know about the prophecy?" Harry raised an eyebrow, taking a bite of ice cream. Hermione remained silent. Ron stared longingly at the sundae. Harry, bored of Ron's puppy dog faces and having remembered he hated sundaes, slid the dessert over to his best friend.

"Now what?" Hermione asked, picking at the ice cream.

"We get the Horcruxes," Ron said simply.

"Where are they?"

"In the ball pit."

Harry shot his head in the direction of the massive pool of colorful, hollow plastic balls. A shudder ran down his spine. The Horcruxes were definitely there. All they had to do now was fish through the children and get the chest Voldemort's soul was hiding in.

"Let's go team!" Harry said encouragingly. Ron and Hermione stood and the three made their way to the ball pit. Voldemort had certainly expected Harry to be there since when he was about to jump into the pit, one of the employees dragged the trio away from the pit.

That's when Ron got an idea.

"Hey, if we take our shoes off, they won't be able to recognize us anymore!"

"Great idea!" Hermione praised. So, they took their shoes off and, to further throw the Death Eaters off, stored them in the shoe bin next to the ball pit that had a sign that read, "Please remove your shoes before playing on the junglegym. Thank you."

Harry stood over the pit. It just couldn't be that easy, but it was. Maybe Voldemort wasn't as smart as everyone gave him credit for being. He did try to kill a prophecy child after all. Nodding in approval with the epiphany he had about the Dark Lord, Harry dove into the ball pit, followed by his two friends.

It was like the pit was an entirely different world. There were kids everywhere, but they weren't cute little gifts from above. They suddenly became ravenous killers. Harry honestly felt like he would rather face giants and goblins and werewolves and thestrals, a fleet of dementors and all of Voldemort's Death Eaters, plus some inferi than be in a ball pit with children. They were screaming and kicking and shoving around. Not to mention they pelted the trio with plastic balls that surprisingly hurt.

It wasn't until a group of the little demons grabbed Ron and dragged him to a colorful Hell. No one knew what live on the bottom on the ball pit because no one lived to tell the tale and now Ron had joined them.

"RON!" Hermione screamed, trying to dive after him, but Harry held her back. He had already lost one friend, he couldn't add Hermione to the list of people he would have to try and get over losing during his next therapy session.

Unfortunately, as Hermione stopped struggling, a three year-old tackled her as they cannon balled into the pit. Harry took a moment to mourn her lost, then figured she was with Ron and was happy. The thought made him able to move on to bigger and better things, like a box of soul fragments, which _wasn't_ in the ball pit, but in the crane game behind the ball pit. Harry had to give Voldemort smart points back for tricking them into diving into a pool of DEATH!

It was easy diving into the Pit of Doom, but, like the Chamber of Secrets, leaving was a problem and Fawks wasn't there to bail him out either. Harry tried to sift through the slur of toddlers that weren't potty trained to get back to the entrance. Every time he advanced forward, he was met by a child, attempting to drag him to the depths of the pit. It was like Bellatrix was standing at the entrance with a cannon and was shooting demon children at him.

To counter act the children, Harry pulled out his Light Saber and began making his own path, cutting through anything, and everyone for that matter, that got in his way. He might have left a sea of body parts, but Harry figured that little kids in Africa that needed a part could now have one and he helped thin out overpopulation.

"What the Hell!" Harry exclaimed, frustrated. By the time he was able to fight off the demons, someone had fished the chest out of the crane game.

"Looking for this?" A familiar voice said behind him. It was cool, but not Voldemort cool.

Harry turned around, "Malfoy! Give me that box! I need it to fulfill my destiny."

"What's in it for me Potter?" Draco must have been working on his drawling because Harry really felt the emotion in his voice.

"I will pull a few strings so that you and your mother won't have to go to Azkaban," Harry bargained while wondering what Draco Malfoy was doing in Arizona.

"What about my father?"

"I'm not Jesus!"

"Fine!" Dracon tossed over the box. Harry opened it, excited to see what was inside, only to find it empty.

"Where are the Hor...contents?"

"Oh, right," Draco rolled his eyes. "You see, Potter, I was sitting, watching the weasel have to _work_ at beating a bratty punk in some stew-pid muggle game and became bored. Sine I had this box of rubbish, I decided to entertain myself and blow them up."

"Wait, how could you have had them this whole time when I just saw it in the crane game?" Harry frowned.

"Because I put the box out so I could fish it out. It's a pretty box."

Harry looked at the intricate carvings that decorated the cedar chest. It was pretty.

"Oh, and, Potter?"

"Yes?" Harry looked up from the pretty box.

"I have a message for you," Draco pulled out his wand, but Harry, distracted by the pretty box again, paid no attention.

"What is it?"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Draco shouted. The last thing Harry Potter remembered seeing was a carving of a flower before hitting the ground.

**AN: Le Gaspe! He's dead! Or is he? Anyways, sorry this took a little while, but I was having some writer's block, but I am pleased to say I took a jack hammer to the block. Stick around for next chapter! I recommend to anyone who hasn't read "Divine Comedy" to brush up on the plotline. I plan on making a reference in the next chapter. Please Review! And don't forget to guess the riddle: What's small and sits dangerously in a tree? Three chapters left, time's running out!**


	13. Chapter 13

Ch. 13 Waiting Until Easter

**AN: sorry this took so long! Lack of inspiration. But here it is! Don't forget to review, or guess on the riddle: what's small and sits dangerously in a tree. **

Harry's eyes fluttered open. He couldn't believe that Draco Malfoy would help him, then kill him. So it goes. Then again, his family is made of Death Eaters. At least all the Horcruxes are destroyed. All he had to do was get rid of Voldemort and feel sorry for himself when he remembers that he has no parents, Dumbledore, or Ron and Hermione.

He sighed in despair and looked at his surroundings. He was at Kings Cross. He must have to catch a train to the After Life, or the Living World, whichever he stumbled upon first. Harry stood up and noticed he was wearing his Gryffindor robes. He looked around, trying to decide on a train. He could always try to Hogwarts Express.

"Hello, Harry," a voice said from behind. Harry spun around and came face to face with a person. They were as tall as he was, wore the same robes he did, and looked just like him. There was only one difference: he had hazel eyes...and no scar.

"Dad!" Harry exclaimed, flinging his arms around his father making the best damn man hug the After Life had ever seen,

"Hey son," James accepted his son's embrace.

"What about me?" a female voice came from behind the two men hugging. James saw who it was, but Harry could only guess. He pulled away from James and came face to face with his mother. He gave her a bigger hug because he was allowed to like his mother better than his father, but just be a smidgen.

"Mum, I think you should know something," Harry commented, pulling away from his mother to face both his parents.

"What's that?" She frowned.

"Your sister is a Nazi and so is her family."

James doubled over laughing while Lily frowned with disapproval. "I know she's not the most pleasant person to stay with, but she's not evil."

"Have you seen her chore list?" Harry looked at her skeptical.

"How about we drop the sister and move onto something more interesting, like quidditch," James intervened.

Harry perked up instantly and immediately launched off into all the things that had happened on the field in all his years at Hogwarts. It wasn't until a silence fell over the reunited family did Harry remember that he was supposed to be trying to find out which train to take so that he could get back to the world of the living.

"I need to go back to being alive now," Harry said quietly.

"Well, there's the door, son," James said, pointing to a white abyss at the end of the terminal.

"Oh, great. That was easy," Harry looked down at the abyss and turned back to his parents. He didn't want to leave them. "Can you come with me?"

"Ah, well, I don't think so," Lily said tenderly. She brushed a few strands of hair from her son's eyes. "We have to stay here, Harry."

"Why?"

"Because we're dead."

"But if you're at this train station, then doesn't that mean you're only mostly dead, which means you're still slightly alive?" Harry questioned.

"Hey, the kid's got a point there," James nodded. "It's worth a try."

"Yeah, but we've been here for 16 years," Lily said.

"So?" Harry and James replied in unison.

"So, we're buried in the ground and decomposed.."

"Nonsense! I heard Sirius saying something about an accidental plastination," Harry reassured. He smiled at their horrified looks. "Maybe I heard wrong."

"Let's hope."

Harry walked down the terminal alongside his parents. With each step he felt his stomach flutter with nerves. What if his parents didn't come back with him? He also couldn't shake the feeling that he was forgetting something, but before he could put his finger on what it was, he was enveloped with a white nothing. Then, he was floating. He had no idea where he was, what time it was, or what was going on.

Eventually, Harry felt himself falling down and hitting something with full force. Instantly, a rush of things came at him. His whole body ached with a sharp yet dull pain. His ears began to fill an eerie silenc and his eyes opened and began to focus in on the colorful decorations dangling from the ceiling.

He was back at the Chuck E. Cheese's in Gilbert/Mesa, Arizona. Looking around the facility, he could tell that he wasn't unconscious for awhile since there were no sirens of emergency vehicles or hoards of people standing around him to see if he was alright. In fact, there was no one at all inside the once busy establishment.

Harry sat up and looked around the empty building. It was obviously closed, especially after Harry saw that it was one in the morning. He wondered how it was that the muggles could have left him lying there on the floor.

_Malfoy, _Harry thought. _He must have charmed me so that they wouldn't see me here._

Harry picked himself up and dusted himself off, making a mental note to shower off the stench of new-born baby, stale pizza and grease from his person. He had to check back in with Ron and Hermione. They must be looking all over the Valley for him.

At that moment, the image of his two est friends being bested as well as offed by the demon children in the ball pit of doom flashed across Harry's mind. That's what he forgot to do in the After Life! He had to bring back Ron and Hermione! Instead, he brought back his parents! They've been dead for 16 years and he chose them over his best friends. What kind of person was he?

"Harry?" Lily's voice called from someplace around the ball pit.

"Over here," Harry called back. He heard his parents maneuvering through the junglegym in an effort to meet up with Harry again. As he listened to his father cursing the devices muggles make for the sole purpose of making children stop crying, he stared solemnly at his reflection. What he would do to get the Golden Trio back together again. Even if it were only for a reunion tour with the Rolling Stones.

"What's wrong?" James asked.

"Ron and Hermione," Harry sighed. "My two best friends ever and they're dead. And I was in the After Life, but I didn't even give them a single thought let alone a second one."

Lily pulled Harry into a hug, "don't worry Harry, I'm pretty sure your friends aren't dead."

"Yeah, we would have met them," James chimed in.

"You could have missed them," Harry suggested.

"This is true."

"James!" Lily scolded, "he's distraught and you're not making it any better!"

"Here Harry, I found this by some machine thing with a "Dancing King" crown by it. It's slender shape can take your mind off of your dead friends." James handed Harry the all too familiar magic Vuvuzela. Harry took the object and almost blew into it thinking that the obnoxious noise could call back the dead. He knew it wouldn't work, but maybe, just maybe, he could call someone else that can bring Ron and Hermione back for him.

"It's crazy! So crazy it just might work," he muttered under his breath.

"What might work?" James inquired.

"This," Harry pursed the mouthpiece to the Vuvuzela and blew as hard as he could. James and Lily clasped their hands over their ears to block out the ear drum shattering noise that will fill the soccer stadium in South Africa for the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Promptly after the noise stopped, a blinding white light filled every cavity of the abandoned business. From the light, a shadow appeared. He was old with eyes filled with wisdom.

"What is it? Me and Homer were sitting around the fire pit wallowing in misery because our souls can never be touched by the light of God," the shadow said.

"Homer and I," Lily corrected from the corner where she, James, and Harry were crouched behind.

"Whatever."

"Hello, Virgil," Harry began timidly. He'd never been in the presence of an epic poet before and was slightly star struck. "My name is Harry Potter and I was wondering if you could bring my friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger back from the dead by taking them through Hell, Purgatory, and Paradise." He explained quickly.

"You mean the same deal I did with Dante?" Virgil raised and eyebrow at the young wizard.

"Yes, just like Dante."

"Are you sure? I could just take them to the train station and have them walk through the white abyss like you and the parents you're not supposed to have?"

"No," Harry snapped. "I want to make sure they are alive and that they'll stay that way. I'm not going to give my best friends a D-level redemption from the dead."

"Now, Harry, I know you want your friends back, but his alternative sound quicker and cleaner," Lily tried reasoning, but like James, her son's mind was set.

Virgil searched Harry's features as well. Once he was sure that a sudden bolt of lightning wasn't going to strike Harry in the head, enlightening him with simplicity of alternative measures to take in bringing back the dead, he nodded in understanding. "Alright, Potter, have it your way. You'll have your friends back by Easter Sunday."

There was a blinding flash of light (that struck Harry in the head) and Virgil was gone once more. James and Lily pulled their son up and helped him into a chair.

"Would it have been easier just to send them to the train station?" Harry asked his parents. They nodded.

"So, now what do we do?"

"Go home and wait until Easter to come," Lily replied. "The only thing we can do."

**AN: some serious shit happened in this chapter. And I'm only** **this because the T rating says I can. Anyways, don't forget to click the little 'review' link at the below this message and let me know if it was worth the wait. I shall be updating very very soon. This is the second to the last chance to guess at the riddle, so don't forget about that either!**


	14. Chapter 14

Ch. 14 Running Like a Fat Penguin in the Summer

**AN: this will be the second to the last chapter in this story. As for dedications, I dedicate this chapter title to my friend Vance for his crazy analogies. Last Chance** **guess at the riddle! Thanks to Jeweltheif500 for their guesses. I'm sorry they aren't right, but their creativity makes me wish they were. On with the story!**

Harry laid stretched out in the sunlight. The warmth of the sun felt good on his skin, but the scattered cloud coverage reassured that he wouldn't be burned. There was no feeling worse than a burned torso.

He was back in England, living the dream. Although Voldemort was still alive, his best friends were taking a field trip in the After Life and Death Eaters were trying extra hard to kill him, there was something about the day that filled Harry with contempt. It had to be one of three things that were currently running through his mind that put him in such a good mood.

Returning to the war laden country was rather bittersweet. The Order was amazed to see James and Lily back from the dead. Explaining that they were never dead dead, just mostly dead took days to finally sink in and through that time Harry had to summon the courage to explain what happened to Ron and Hermione. The Weasleys handled the information well, much to everyone's surprise. Harry felt that it was because he left out the part where he could have just had them walk through the train station in order to be alive again, but that was a snippet of information that he would take to his grave.

As for Voldemort, he didn't take James and Lily being alive lightly. He was fuming. There would be days that, despite lessons in occlumency, Harry would be in a haze due to the searing pain in his scar. When these days occurred, the Boy Who Lived, Died, Then Lived Again (as Fred and George had taken to calling him) seriously contemplated setting up a date with Voldemort so that he could destroy the man. The only thing holding him back was the fact that no one knew that Malfoy had shown up in Arizona and destroyed all the Horcruxes, including the one that was apparently living inside of him. That, and his futurely insight told him to wait until Ron and Hermione were back from their trip to Hell.

Harry turned over onto his back, letting himself feel like a regular teenage girl. A feeling he'd never had the opportunity to feel like a normal teenage boy in his life, so he had to settle with a teenage girl. Laying beside him was the love of his life, Ginny. Since they were sunbathing together like tight girlfriends, Harry decided the teenage girl thing to do was boil her with questions about boys.

"So, Ginny, do you have a crush on Link?" He asked teasingly.

"Who's Link?" Ginny asked, looking up from the latest copy of "Witch Weekly".

"Nevermind, you're no fun to girl talk with," Harry puffed.

"You're a guy, Harry."

"Well, what do guys my age talk about? You're my future wife, so enlighten me for when I go out clubbing."

"One, why would you go clubbing?" Ginny was beginning to question whether the man beside her was indeed, Harry Potter.

"Fan girls who, through the power of the Internet and writing, have me do weird things like kill the Dursleys, put green and silver streaks in my hair, waggle my eyebrow suggestively all the time, have me fall in love with Voldemort and Snape. You know, the kind of fans that would have a sparrow with a machine gun sitting in a tree."

"Ew! Why would you fall in love with a man that wants to kill you, or someone who loathes you?" Ginny's face was a slight tinge of green.

"I don't know but for such reasons, I need to know teenage guy talk."

"Well, my brothers always talked about quidditch, food, and girls," Ginny suggested. "Food, quidditch, girls, got it." Harry paused. "So, How 'bout that Brittany Spears? You think she's hot?

"No, and I never will."

"Why not?"

Ginny was about to tell Harry to shut up and go away when a blinding white light hit the couple. From the light emerged Ron and Hermione. Hermione looked scared and puzzled at the same time while Ron showed nonchalance. He had on an "I Heart Redemption" shirt, obviously from the Purgatory Gift Shop.

"Ron, Hermione! You're alive again!" Harry jumped up, pulling his friends into a group hug.

"Hey Harry, Hell's a bitch," Ron commented. "Hermione wouldn't stop swooning!"

"Not uh!" Hermione cried indignantly.

"You did too!" Ron retorted.

"Shut up!" Ginny screamed. "I can't take this anymore!" She stormed inside the Burrow, muttering angry things under her breath.

"What's her problem?" Ron asked Harry.

"She has a crush on Link," Harry replied simply.

"Who's Link?"

"No idea."

The Trio laughed and followed Ginny inside. They Flooed over to Grimuald Place where the latest Order meeting was taking place. Arthur, Molly, Bill, Fred and George were elated to see that their family was whole again. When the Weasleys were done embracing their lost family, the rest of the Order had their turn at welcoming back the two and Harry introduced them to his parents, who _weren't_ in plastinated bodies.

Later, after the meeting was adjourned and dinner was eaten, Harry, Ron ans Hermione sat in Harry's room in Gordric's Hollow.

"So, what happened with Voldemort?" Hermione asked. "You did destroy him, didn't you?"

"No," Harry flipped the page in his Quidditch monthly magazine.

"Why not?" Ron asked, looking over Harry's shoulders to see the score from the latest Chudley Cannons game. "Damn. Lost again."

"I was waiting for you guys," Harry answered.

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want you to miss that crazy after parties in the Great Hall."

"What happened to the Horcruxes?" Hermione continued, pulling a book of her own.

"Malfoy destroy them out of boredom."

"How could Malfoy have known about them?"

"I don't know Hermione. The guy's probably been following us around. He was at a muggle establishment. And we all know a Malfoy's stand on muggles.

"Hates them," Ron said to no one.

"But were they destroyed? You have to destroy them in a special way since you are ultimately destroying someone's soul." Hermione reminded them.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Harry called and leaped from his bed. He had never voluntarily left his room to see who was at the door and was waiting for someone to drop by so that he could savor the experience.

Harry ran past his parents, unable to contain his excitement over answering the door to _his_ house. He'd probably invite the poor soul in and give him a grand tour of the quaint cottage.

"Harry, NO!" James hollered, trying to grab his son's arm and pull him back. Unfortunately, it was too late and Harry had already flung the door open with abroad smile on his face. The smile instantly failed when he saw who it was on the other side.

"Good Evening, Harry Potter," Voldemort said cooly, stepping into the house. He was armed with Death Eaters who quickly restrained Lily, James, Ron, and Hermione.

"Don't kill Harry!" Lily sobbed, struggling to break free.

"Oh, I don't plan on killing him," Voldemort said calmly. "I came here simply to chat and have tea."

"Really?" Hermione asked.

"No, you stupid cow! Of course I'm here to kill him!" Voldemort raised his wand, raising the objections and pleas of the restrained. Harry, although stunned, instinctively had his wand out.

"Now, before you kill me, I just have one thing to say," Harry stated. He turned to Ron. "Ron, you're my best friend ever...and Hermione, but I've always thought your family as the English speaking, ginger, Von Trapp not family singers."

"Alright, you're off your rocker, mate, but alright," Ron nodded. Harry took a deep breath and turned back to face Voldemort. "Let's just skip the commentary and get to the fighting part. I want to try and get a full eight hours of sleep every night.

"Of course," a cold smile spread across Voldemort's face. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"EXPELLIARMUS!" Harry cried. The red spell from his wand ripped through the green killing curse, throwing Voldemort back.

A tense silence filled the house as both Death Eaters and Order members held their breath. Their eyes were transfixed on the still form of Lord Voldemort.

"I beat the Dark Lord!" Harry exclaimed happily. His family cheered accordingly and the Death Eaters fled the scene. They didn't get far before met with a slew of Order members who were informed of the attack when Remus, the Potters' new secret keeper, checked went to check in with the family and saw Voldemort.

"Is everyone alright?" Remus asked, entering the house.

"Yes," Lily muffled from the tight embrace she gave Harry. James, seeing Harry's flushed face, pulled Lily away.

In that moment and man in khaki pants and a red Staples shirt appeared in the room. The man was holding a button, which he presented to Harry. Harry pushed the button.

"That was easy," the button said.

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Harry said.

**AN: yay! No Voldy! Remember to guess at the riddle! Last chance. And for last minute guess submitters, I will not update for a few days. Review the chapter please!**


	15. Chapter 15

Ch. 15 A Stag in Bed with a Cool Fez

**AN: last chapter! The title is dedicated to Kevin Fisher and Matt Smith as the Doctor, naturally. Thanks to the two people, Jewelthief500 and VivaJuanita, who were the only two readers to take an active interest in my contest! This story is dedicated to VivaJuanita for being my overall inspiration and motivation for this story. I watch you at night! On with the story!**

Harry laid in his bed of ten years. Beside him laid his four year old daughter that had another nightmare about the monster in her closet and absolutely refused to return to her bed. Harry smiled at the thought, but knew deep down that he was really put out. At the foot of the bed laying across his legs was the family dog, a mere puppy version of a golden retriever, a dog only bound to get bigger. Beside his daughter, Lily, was his middle child, Albus and beside him, Ginny.

Upon meeting the eyes of his wife for eight years, her closed eyes shot open. By the look on her face told him that she, like him, couldn't sleep due to the one too many persons on the bed.

"Can't sleep?" Harry mouthed.

"What do you think?" Ginny mouthed back.

"Why don't we just send the kids back to their beds?"

"Good luck with that."

Harry frowned, determined to show his wife of ten years that he could handle a couple of kids plus a dog. Carefully, he scooped Lily up from her spot and carried her back to her bed. He had the dog follow him so that she wouldn't want to return to the curiously welcoming master bed. He trekked back and fetched Albus.

Now Albus, being six, was slightly heavier and lighter in his sleep. Instead of picking Albus up like he did with Lily, Harry levitated the boy. Albus stirred a little at first, but settled back down into a deeper sleep and was floated back to his bed. When Harry returned, he gave Ginny a look.

"Point," she rolled her eyes and turned her back to her husband.

"What? The back?" Harry frowned and crawled back into bed. He wrapped his arms around her, but she shouldered him off. "Fine, I don't want to be all romantic."

"Then don't be."

Harry huffed angrily and turned his back on her. The rest of the night passed silently due to the sleeping and in a cold stand off between husband and wife. Of course, fighting was natural.

In the morning, Harry and Ginny found that they had slept off their anger and neither one wanted to stay mad at the other. It was way too much work. While Ginny busied herself in the kitchen preparing breakfast for the family as well as packing some last minute for their planned camping trip.

Harry trudged into the bathroom where he showered and dressed. It was when he was exercising good hygiene for his kids to take note on by brushing his teeth when he say a silhouette passed by the closet. Harry turned around to see who it was. Seeing no one, he walked downstairs and peeked into the kitchen. Ginny was still there making breakfast. He returned upstair to kill gingivitis and plaque with his Listerine. While swishing, he saw the silhouette again.

"Who's there?" he demanded, pulling out his wand. He carefully walked into the closet, checking every nook and cranny of the storage place for the intruder. He heard James, his eldest walk into the room.

"Mum wants to know if you're going to eat?" he said.

"Go back downstairs, James," Harry commanded.

"But–"

"Now."

"Whatever," Harry heard his son on the stairs and relaxed slightly. If there was only the one intruder at least his family was safe.

Continuing his combing through the closet, the man was wondering if the stranger had managed to slip out and began to withdraw. Unfortunately, he withdrew right into the person he was trying to locate. The person thwacked Harry over the head, knocking him unconscious before he had a chance to see the wizard's face.

When Harry came around, he found himself bound and gagged to a chair. He looked around, but only saw darkness. The gag wasn't in very well, so he was able to spit it out.

"Hello!" Harry called out.

"Shut up," a voice replied. Harry was dumbfounded. He knew that voice. He heard that voice every day of his life.

"Ron?"

"What?" Ron replied, stepping out of the shadows. He flipped a switch and a blinding head lamp dangling above Harry, sprang to life. Harry blinked to let his eyes readjust to the light. When his sight had returned he took a long look at Ron's face. He had crazed look in his eye and Harry thought his best friend for some 20 years had lost his mind.

"What's this about, Ron?"

"For twelve years I have spent trying to figure it out. Twelve years I have spent restless nights wondering when I will learn the answer. Twelve years!" Ron shouted.

"Figure out what? What answer are you looking for? Does it really involve kidnaping me? Gin and I were going to go camping, you know."

"The answer! The answer to that damn riddle you gave me 12 years ago!" Ron's chest rose and fell quickly in fury. "But no more wondering. You are going to tell me the answer right now. What is small and sits dangerously in a tree?"

Harry stared at Ron incredulously, "really Ron? You fell off your rocker over a stupid little riddle?"

"It's not stupid! Now tell me the answer!" Ron roared, his face turning a shade of purple.

"A sparrow with a machine gun. It's a sparrow with a machine gun," Harry said. "Can you let me go now?"

"A sparrow? With a machine gun?" Ron screamed while grabbing his hair and jerking himself around. Harry would have laughed, but rope binding people always was Ron's specialty in the Auror office and the chest crushing ropes had proven that that reputation was not hollow.

Now that Ron had the answer he strangely longed for, the crazed streaked that had been boiling had disappeared completely. "Sorry about that mate," Ron apologized, releasing Harry from his restrains. Harry stood up, rubbed circulation back into his hands and the soreness out of his chest.

"That's okay, Ron. I guess if it was that important to you, you could have asked a long time ago. You didn't have to wait until you went completely bonkers."

"Yeah, I did go mad there for a minute, huh?" Ron laughed. Harry laughed with him and when the awkward silence fell on the two after they stopped laughing, Harry had one question left on his mind.

"Hey Ron, where are we?"

"Your basement."

"Oh."

"Will you two stop messing around down there and get up here so we can leave?" Ginny shouted from the top of the stairs.

"Coming Gin!" Harry shouted back up the stairs.

The two walked up the stairs laughing about temporary insanity. Ron took off to meet Hermione, who was already at the campsite. She insisted on getting there at 7 in the morning so that she could nab a good spot for the families.

Harry joined Ginny, who was frantically cleaning the kitchen before they left. When she finished, he got up from the table, having finished reading the morning's _Prophet_ he went over to the fridge and pulled out ingredients for what he believe to be the most delicious omelet ever. With his mouth watering, he fired up his pan and started dumping in his ingredients: tomatoes, ham, green onions, peppers, and a little garlic. After letting the contents of the omelet saute for a couple of minutes, he added the eggs, three of them. He swirled the eggs around the pan, letting all the empty spaces be filled for maximum cooking. To the still liquid eggs, he added salt and pepper to taste, as well as a splash of vegetable stock, for heartiness.

When Harry's fabulous breakfast omelet was complete, he sprinkled it with cheese and plated it beside the hashbrowns he prepared alongside the omelet. With his omelet he had two slices of toast, and a grapefruit half. Since he was going to be conducting in all sorts of activities, Harry felt eating something from every food group would allow him to keep up with anything. It was the biggest and best breakfast he remembered having and when he was done, he piled his dishes in the once clean sink.

"Alright! Let's get a move on!" Harry shouted up the stairs. Shortly after, the thundering stampede of three children cascaded down to the ground floor. They danced around Harry's feet, whining about when they were going to fish, rock climb, or roast marshmallows. Harry, patiently told them remain clam or he would leave them in the basement for the weekend with a can opener and two cans of beans if they didn't settle down.

Lily, James, and Albus, fearing their father was actually being serious this time around, fell silent and sat on the couch to wait for their mother.

Ginny cam down the stairs, already looking beat, five minutes later and walked back to the kitchen to lock the back door.

"HARRY SODDING POTTER!"

Harry jumped. He had never heard his wife so angry. It reminded him of his mother in law. "Yes?" he called back into the kitchen.

"Come here!"

When Harry entered the kitchen, Ginny was staring vividly at the pile of dishes in the sink. "I just clean this kitchen, and you get up and make a mess of it?"

Harry, with a pondering expression on his face, studied the condition of the kitchen. The stove was a mess, a sign of true master cooking at work. There was splashes of liquid on the counter space surrounding, and the table had butter on it from the toast.

"Yep, I can conclude that I would be pissed if I had to clean this."

"What do you mean if?" Ginny gave him a look. Harry simply pulled out his wand, gave it a little flick and the kitchen began to clean itself. He smiled smugly, remembering his score: Harry: 2, Ginny: 0.

Ginny scoffed and brushed passed him. Harry merely smiled and joined his family.

With the aid of a portkey, reaching the campsite was a breeze. It was somewhat cloudy outside, but the temperature was perfect. The spot Hermione had gotten for the families was quite tranquil. It was a plot of land overlooking the calm lake, where Hugo had already begun splashing in. He was shortly joined by his sibling as well as his cousins. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny unloaded set up their tents and gathered sticks for the fire while keeping an eye out to make sure nobody drowned or go hurt.

It was around midday when it happened. Ginny was washing out the mud that James flung into her hair. She saw something stir in the water and gazed out at the lake to see what it was. Not seeing anything, she returned to combing through her daughter's hair. When she was finished, Lily ran off to get a snack from the cooler and Ginny looked out at the lake. She knew going camping was a good idea. Ron and Harry got a break from the Ministry for awhile, she got a break from the demands of her editor for the _Prophet_, and Hermione looked rested for once.

Once again, Ginny saw something stir in the water and her gaze dropped down. She saw the shadow of something moving in the water. She thought that it was probably a fish, but she was too wrong when Dinocroc leapt out of the water and ate Ginny's upper body.

The whole family was in shock. No one told them that the waters were infested with lame Syfy movie creatures. What's worse, the lame Syfy creature had taken Ginny. If that wasn't bad enough, Harry remembered that it was Shark Week and before he could salvage his wife's legs, a Great White leapt from the water and ate Ginny's remaining half. A true tragedy for everyone.

Two years after the incident, Harry Potter remarried to Draco Malfoy. And they lived happily ever after

**THE END!**

**AN: crazy ending I know, but it was for my Wazlib. Hope you like the story! Make sure to review! And remember: I do not stake a claim to the HP franchise. I just borrow it for entertainment. **


End file.
